from:http://www.flickr.com/photos/deboni/ / CC BY-NC 2.0
Some of you INFP bloggers out there may agree here: I seem to want to write when I’m particularly in an emotional state. Writing clears my mind in a way talking about it just cannot do.
My post is about friendships. My behavior in close friendships (not the acquaintance level) tends to supportive, helping with a view to encourage mutual activity in both a selfish & yet inclusive way. For instance, should a friend say they need someone to help out in their film: despite not having much free time or even fully liking the idea of the film- I will still be willing to commit to helping out. This is for selfish reasons: I hope to have such help extended to me should there be a similar instance. But this is also for other reasons: I hope to make them feel happy that they have someone supportive of their work.
These are values I respect in close friendships: mutual respect- being on time, willingness to hear me out, respectful of my emoting my feelings. The last is probably the hardest to ask of most friends, as most people are afraid of the INFP’s strong Fi, especially negative Fi where Te rears its head. In my life, only my INTP friend has been most accepting when I emote, maybe in part to INTP’s shadow Fe where they would rather leave emotional matters uncommented on- which strangely enough, makes me feel rather accepted. Most of the time though, in response to horrible Fi, people would overly concern themselves or show irritation and comment on it. Sometimes how I wish I could help people understand ‘how to deal with me’. So here goes. 🙂
‘How to deal with an INFP emoting: strongly wording something in an emotional tone’
Absorb their response. Is it on principle, logic or an emotional reaction?
a. On principle: infps are emotionally retarded and can hold some very strong values on things that others could care less about. It could be about: fairness, goodness, morality or some ideal.
b. Logic: infps’ attempt at logical argument can be colored by emotion. Listen closely if they are making sense.
c. Emotional reaction: this is where infp fail. They can make horrible arguments here if they feel undermined, mistrusted, disliked or annoyed.
Consider the appropriate response.
a. On principle: If your principles agree with them, good for you. If not, consider how u can angle ur argument to make it seem like you are on the same side & essentially arguing for the same issue. However, if you’re firmly on the other side, attempt to acknowledge their values in the process of stating your own values.
b. Logic: This is where its perfectly fine to argue with an infp clearly stating your logical analysis. Some infps understand ‘Te’ type arguments & may enjoy debate. Ignore the emoting.
c. Emotional reaction: Usually the case with personal matters. You can’t go very far without feeling like you’re navigating a mined area. Hear them out. Listen carefully not to words they are saying but what are they actually saying. Try to forgive them. Be kind in your replies. Pace your words. Give them a space to be angry. It’s going to be hard but if you can see where the insecurity is coming from and assure them that you care, it might stop the deluge. Don’t run off. Too many people run off at the first sign of weakness. Understand its hardly about you.
Of course, you may decide after reading this INFPs are too difficult to have as a friend. Too much work. I wouldn’t blame you. Many other types are less emotional work than an INFP friend. If you are such an insightful, caring person who is able to do all this, you must have a great deal of respect and friendship in your life.. 🙂
ellzrae
Surviving INFP 
So that’s why nobody likes me… :,) I’m just too difficult.
I might add that in typical INFP fashion you ended in what could be read as a self pitying or emotionally influenced note, or at least I hope it is, because it makes it sound like we’re probably not worth the trouble of being friends with or have redeeming qualities that make us a worthwhile friend, like loyalty and compassion. 😦
Hi jasmine,
guess I was in a little bad spot with the INTJ when I wrote that. That colored my article.. I’m only human…
regards,
ellzrae
I’m an INTJ on this blog trying to sort out how to deal with a difficult INFP in my life. After reading this I feel strongly that she might have some psychological issues mixed in with her tendency to emote. My biggest problem is that when I try to use logic to expose her feelings as irrational, which I understand can be annoying but I do in good faith to show that I’m not secretly acting against her, she refers to this as condescending. But ultimately it’s not the content of her issues with me, it’s her delivery. Despite claims that she’s working on her communication skills, conversations that aren’t going whatever way she wishes them to go, devolve quickly into raised voices, insults and obscene language. Given that our relationship is professional and not personal this is such an affront to social rules I have trouble trusting her judgement entirely.
Is there a way to completely dismiss INFPs without them knowing it? I just don’t have time in my day to continue having the same conversations with her, especially when they end up so poorly. If this continues she won’t have a job much longer. Despite her uncivil manner towards me I truly do hate to see her self destruct in this way. I understand that my personality allows me to project a very calm and collected “Persona” and in this vein I understand that at the workplace I have an advantage on her. I don’t want to exploit this advantage. I’d rather she be able to conduct herself civilly, and I’m honestly looking for a way that I can contribute to that. I’m not her supervisor, but I’m a well respected professional who has seniority over her.
Thoughts?
Hi Cricketblack,
Sorry for taking such a long time to reply. I just saw this today & felt compelled to reply immediately. This is a bad situation that u are dealing with, & I suspect much worse than how u managed to mildly put across..
I wonder if there is any bad blood between both of you.
Frankly, I would advise u to avoid engaging in arguments with this person, as she do not speak the same language: ‘logic’ as you, has no self awareness & is abusive.
But of course it’s a bit hard to avoid in work. Does she respond better to phone calls? face interaction or emails? or is she better behaved in a meeting with others? Maybe u can control these variables first.
As for your qn is there anyway to dismiss without letting her know it, I doubt she would be fully unaware. But there are better methods then using your Te against her Fi. Practice your Fe (Extroverted Feeling)- like how to smooth conversations, concur yet disagree with people, dismiss ppl with a gesture or make them delighted with a smile. Behave conciliatory with your body language, & if she is attempting to abuse you with words, be extremely polite and leave. Put her at a polite distance but still be friendly. If she is getting better in behavior, reward her with friendly smiles/ greetings publicly or a coffee.
if this all sounds manipulative, it sure is.. haha. But I hope it would make life easier for you. If u could observe the ppl at work she is close to or respect.. maybe understand that part too. Like why is she treating them better than she is treating you? What’s her motivation or are they treating her differently?
I think you are quite self aware, & as stated, understand the balance. Sure you do not want to use the opinions around or company against her. But if it gets too difficult u might want to seek an expert opinion on this.. 🙂
Good luck..!
ell
it can be tough. There are also lots of infps around who will understand you, they are in a cave somewhere. Heh.
As for davids comment, it seems obvious he is quite ‘objective’ while infps are subjective. And he is j to our p. Logic doesnt factor in much with us matey, so if you want an even playing field, look for scientists, mathematicians and the like.
Cheers,
Gavin
Hi Gavin,
Haha! Leave the ‘T’ guy alone.. its a pretty old comment anyway. Anyway, us expressing our Fi isn’t going to make us understood by him if its a thing he rejects.
He definitely stumbled into the wrong place on the internet. surprised and amused by the community vibe here though..;)
best regards,
ellzrae
“Of course, you may decide after reading this INFPs are too difficult to have as a friend. Too much work. I wouldn’t blame you.”
Right on…..
Had one that simply went crazy over some comments that I made. Simply irrational. Totally led by her ‘uncomfortable feelings’ over my comments and ignoring all the factual evidence, she was convinced that I was up to no good.
Nuts…..
Hi David,
I can’t comment on your situation cause I don’t know enough. Lots of factors to consider: how mature the INFP is and whether she was suffering from some kind of psychological issue apart from her being an INFP.
I hope what I wrote in the post does not do harm to the INFP community – cause I believe we are quite a broad spectrum of personalities, even within.
ellzrae,
Agreed.
The INFP type is just one factor for that person.
You probably were up to no good. I can tell just reading your post. INFP’s are good at reading people and she probably knew you. You might want to ask yourself why someone wouldn’t trust you.
I my dear Lord, I cannot agree with you more! I totally had the same response to that somewhat weird and out of place complaint from that guy. How dare he speak ill of our kind *smiling*.
But also, how come he thinks he can get away with paraphrasing whatever he said with: “some comments I made” on a board that features so many INFPs? From that, any INFP knows the boy was up to no good.
Who knows. It’s pure speculation. I’m a pretty solid case of INFP, and man, there are some completely unhinged, meltdown-nuts versions of us out there. I really feel sorry for what the world has done to them. Maybe he got set upon by one of those?
“My ideals only work for me. As long as their ideals are working for them, then it’s useful.”
Thank you Corin. very useful advice.
Sometimes, my INFP friends just need to go off. In their daily life, they keep what they feel and think to themselves in order to maintain the social fabric.
For the most, I just let them talk. I know they need to get it out. If my INFP friends have an ideal that I disagree with, my objective is to ask questions to see if what I disagree with is working for them. My ideals only work for me. As long as their ideals are working for them, then it’s useful.
Yeah, I have one friend who lets me vent. I don’t need to vent that often (as in, maybe once every 2-3 months) so I really appreciate it when I’m able to.
Thing is, once I’ve got a bit of venting done, I’m good. Stuff doesn’t matter any more and I’m happy again. But it’s few and far between to find people who won’t start attacking the hell out of me when I start getting my observations off my chest. It’s just a lot easier to disengage. “smile & wave boys, smile & wave”