It’s awful after all these years I can’t prevent a breakdown of sorts. All-in-all, it always comes back the awful sense of loneliness I feel. I think this is somewhat needy of me to want someone in my life who would understand, accept me & be around. Not very different from most humans’ needs definitely, but the depth I think about it is sometimes frightening even to me.
I can psycho-analyse myself to death but it wouldn’t cure me.
Reading many infp forums makes me feel this probably might resonate with many infps out there.
I suffer from mild depression. It comes & goes, is probably hormonal, diet or lifestyle related. I don’t eat terribly, I exercise only moderately.. this doesn’t seem to keep the breakdowns from occurring around once a month. Sometimes it feels like I’m fighting a battle to death with a frightful monster that keeps coming back no matter how I have injured it.
It affects me to the extend I don’t want to make plans to go out of the house for the weekend or makes me into a sobbing mental wreck when I lie down in bed. Recently it has only happened once a month. But I do remember times when I was moody almost every single day & could hardly bear having people coming into my room, where I huddled in isolation. Maybe one day it would push me too far that I might just stop trying. But for now, I don’t want an extended depression breakdown. It’s just too hard to pull yourself out of the hole without any help.
I can say things have improved as a result of exercise at least once every 2 weeks. Of course I could do better, the standard is 3 times a week. I could do better… but is life really going to get better? (Faulty logic here of course.)
I’m like the man in the story of the man with the rainbow glasses. I remember it too vaguely, so this is an invented, pieced together story.
There was once a farmer, who was having a difficult time farming. His crops withered in the sun when the sun was too hot, & drowned when it rained too much. He was so angry that he threw his tools down and shouted to the heavens for cursing him. A small voice replied him, & when he looked around, he saw nobody. But there was a pair of glasses, colored like a rainbow, by his feet. Curious, he put it on. Strangely, right before his eyes, withered crops began to stand up & grow full. His fruit trees began to sprout fruit. Honey bees buzzed around his hives & his animals all looked sleek & content. Months passed while the farmer wore those glasses & enjoyed this new reality. One day, he said flippantly, “How nice if this would last forever”. Suddenly, a small voice answered him. Looking down, he saw a strange little man, who asked him for the glasses. Before he could reply, the little man took the glasses off his nose. Right in front of him, he saw his withered crops, the stunted fruit trees and the sun bleached bones of his animals… The farmer looked at the little man & said, “I beg you, please give me the glasses…”
But please, if you are an infp who has battled depression successfully, I would like to hear from you.