Could I ever find it in myself to be just friends with someone who claimed he loved me yet treated me unfairly. Who asked for kindness from me but treated me with cruelty when I wanted reassurance.

I cannot even think of the past or future with him now.

I am finding it hard to put together the puzzle- the person he says he is and the selfish words coming from his mouth & his actions thus far. I feel I have been lied to, manipulated, and tossed aside. Like a plaything of a child.

I ask myself if I am being vindictive. But its a quiet, tired voice that says.. “Enough.. enough. Its time to move on.”

My diary is littered with pieces of my heart. Its not the first time I felt this way.

What is keeping me calm is reading this book
“A Call to Compassion- Bringing Buddhist Practices of the Heart into the Soul of Psychology” by Aura Glaser.

It is a book written with much love for humanity and self. It is just 207 pages, but its been one of the best books I ever read on compassion in the Buddhist form.

—-
I feel that I had progressed a little over this past year. I had moments of clarity and gratitude to the world. I felt lighter. Then when I thought I was ready to move on & remove my emotional ties to him, his confession put me in a tailspin. I was not as grounded as I thought, and in hindsight, this was a major setback for me.

Its been 4 months since the fallout and I am still struggling not to message him. I’m getting the strong inner voice to chase away the demons. Letting my angry voice rant in my private diary. Protecting the child in me from demeaning thoughts. Focusing fully on my body while doing yoga. Keep at meeting new people and doing things for others, like making cookies & wrapping presents. Taking photos.

I would not say its easy. Going through Christmas and New Year like this is horrible. Greeting people in the mornings with a puffy face & crooked smile has been the mode. Trying to be normal when all is not. Knowing that the other fork in the road is now destroyed.

I have to acknowledge my emotions to myself, even if it is hard to let anyone know. I will try not to wallow if I can help it.

I think about vengeance, in the form of wanting to be someone he will regret leaving- then these thoughts seem funny for a laugh and a small wise voice tells me to be compassionate to myself. I think its a result of reading the book by Aura..

There is this aphorism in the book which says “Be grateful to everyone” or “Meditate on everyone as kind”. It means, even “those who insult and irritate us are the most difficult subjects for gratitude, and the most fruitful. [..] Contemplating the kindness of others means hat, whatever their intentions, we can still benefit from whatever others do. Rather than submit to resentment or hatred, rather than nursing a grudge or denying a problem, we opt for a way to further open the heart. [...] Being grateful to everyone means also being grateful for everything. It means just being grateful- unconditionally. Be grateful for the difficulties, and be grateful for the relief of these difficulties.”

It is all very wise.. & hard to do.. but I shall try to see this whole situation as beneficial.

The_Big_One_Rollercoaster_by_JohnWardell

image attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/johnwardell/49734219/

First, I have to apologize for all the confessions here which might make it uncomfortable for some to read.

My life has been a rollercoaster ride for the past 2 months since I wrote my last post.

I had been over my feelings for my friend (who I mention about a couple of times in this blog) for a couple of months. And just as I was not really hoping for anything.. he made a confession and asked if we could date.

Initially I was over the moon. I really was. I felt really happy and comforted.

But then it became a disaster just 3 weeks ago. My undiagnosed mild-borderline was triggered over a postponed appointment. (part of a series of postponed appts actually- lack of discussion worsened it into an emotional issue)

I’ll save you from the ugly details..(think Fi-Si-Ne in the worst way) the end result was we not meet as often.
—————-

I have come to wonder… how do you know if someone is willing to travel the spiritual path of life with you- even though it would take work? I am willing to put in the emotional work to be a balanced person.. but how does one know if the person is willing to be very patient with me and also be open to theirs as well?

I had thought my friend and I were spiritually connected in some way. Not sure if it makes any sense, but I had asked for someone with his name to be in my life before I met him. The first time we met was pretty average, but I had a dream of him where he turned and looked at me silently in a dream- it seemed to me it was indication we needed to talk. I kept dreaming of him after that- and it was more than I ever dreamt of anybody, family included.

The first time we went out for drinks, we saw a double rainbow and he even bought a mirror. We even had the same type of watch and mobiles. Now you think I’m in cuckoo-land don’t you? ;D.

I had felt then he was my mirror-mate, if you understand. Someone who reflects you closely, but inversely. I really cared for him.

It was often easy to understand each other and conversations would flow. I was always very honest and kind with him. But it was also easy to build on each others emotions, negatively. If I became irrational, he would follow suit.

During the past year or so though, we did our own growing and seemed more different.

Smart people will say that you cannot build a relationship on surface similarities- it has to be about similar values and respect.

Still its hard to let go of someone whom you cared intensely about and believe you have a spiritual connection with. But because he has implied this is too much for him as he does not know what would trigger me next and distance would be better, I will not force him. There is just no point.. right..?

I wish my anger issues would just go away.. and this didn’t turn out like this. I thought I had made progress in getting better- but turns out the explosives are gone but the switch is still there. My fuse is not working properly yet.. (haha..cynical laugh)

Cried out my eyes a bit, guess its time now to move on. (Ne (extroverted intuition) is being in a protective mode with the lame jokes..)

love_by_jcolman

image attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jcolman/385760199/

Unfortunately, I am an INFP. My heart can swell with all the love in the world- just like the love I had for the young children my mum took care of- I loved them to bits. Having them around in my early teens made my life less painful. I fed them, hugged them, put them to bed, bought them on outings and devised games for them. In return, I had all the love and acceptance. Their parents liked me, and I was happy to take care of their children for nothing. It was wonderful to love unconditionally.

I rented a room in someone’s house years ago, and those were very sweet days for me. The family living there treated each other with love and respect. There was never any shouting- at most there would be a quizzical short argument. They would ask kindly whenever they needed to obtain something from me or even to proffer a fruit. I saw what it was like to be respected as a person.

In my first job, I worked for a wonderful couple who owned a photography studio. Even though it was a small outfit, they were always generous with their time and gave me responsibilities and asked me what i liked to learn. When I mentioned lighting, the husband gladly taught me how to setup lighting with no reservations. They also sent me on an overseas trip on a production even though I was a newbie. I understood what it meant to be trusted greatly and to trust someone who would do what they promised.

2 years ago, I met someone who has changed how I feel about life. Before I met him, i was undergoing much disappointment at how I could not continue in the creative field and that I had to return back and live in my old home. He made me feel that I was not alone and there was some hope. For the first time, everything I said made sense to someone. And he wasn’t even from the internet. I know now what it is to be understood and to be accepted as myself.

But today, I feel my heart is a raisin even after all these experiences. I am but a dried out husk of my potentiality. I have been waiting for years for something, someone to love. Maybe because I am a sentimental fool, I think I need love. Sometimes I think maybe I’m ugly or fat. Sometimes I think maybe I have an awful personality. Sometimes I think perhaps I haven’t tried looking yet. Sometimes I think I am not ready. Sometimes I think I want to dive into it because I just want to express my love in a mature, unconditional and beautiful way.

If love is not for me, I don’t know how else to be an INFP.
———–

I am reading Alan Watts (Does it Matter: Planting Seeds and Gathering Fruit) and he says: “Every project for self-transformation is a vicious circle.” He goes on to say:

The Perfect Way is without difficulty,
Save that it avoids picking and choosing.
Only when you stop liking and disliking
Will all be clearly understood..
Be not concerned with right and wrong.
The conflict between right and wrong
Is the sickness of the mind.

One cannot remove something because all things exist in all states, one must accept the presence of the opposite and not judge it in terms of negativity or positivity. It is obvious that i am still not far off from such judgement. For if I knew so, I would accept I am loved, I am love and I am loving even without a focus object or person or outward manifestation of love in my life.

I quote him further:
Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
Nirvana is, but no one seeking it;
The path there is, but none who travel it.

Is my focus, my need to love, a quest that needn’t be? My Ne (extroverted intuition) is telling me to say something wicked and snotty to all this- but Ni (introverted intuition) just wants me to think about this for a while…

What is the quest of love for you? Is it a quest, or are you zen in love?

1. Property salesperson
2. Scam artist/ Forger / Romance Scammer
3. Pimp
4. Fryer at fast food restaurant
5. Telesales
6. Nurse at cancer ward (check out Jean K’s & kayelizabethday’s reply proving me wrong):)
7. Fashion Model for runways (questioned by Sandy)
8. Slaughterhouse help
9. Casino Dealer
10. Stocks trader on the floor
11. Doctor at leukemia ward
12. Graphic Designer at Ad Agency
13. Children Wrangler on set
14. Low-ranked soldier
15. Mail sorter
16. Politician
17. Social Worker (check out Sandy’s reply)
18. Hairstylist (questioned by Sandy)
19. Bank Teller
20. Air Steward
21. Kitchen help
22. Events Manager
23: Gym Trainer
24. Waiter

Mainly these are jobs which one would have to take care of people who are dying (e.g. Nurse), or too demanding in terms of effort or time (e.g. Casino dealer) or have to subject oneself to a lowly position or where a lot is demanded in terms of looks (e.g Model) or social extroversion (e.g. Politician).

Feel free to prove me otherwise.

I love observing ‘T’ people and overhearing their conversations- I am captivated by the infinite ways of expressions and the little social games they play to create their goals. With ‘F’ people, its either they are trying to make you feel comfortable or they are trying to make you fit into a certain idea of how one behaves.

But with ‘T’ types, they have little hidden agendas when they are trying to move you to follow a certain regulation or rule they have created. If you comply and conform, you are no fun. They like to have a little thrust-and-parry to see if you are a worthy opponent and if they can get you to concede they are right. ISTJs especially love this game.

When a fellow T talks to another T whom she has respect for, there is a little game of haggling and straight-forward questions which to a F probably sounds pretty rude. But they seem to enjoy it if its on a social level. Its probably the F equivalent of being nice to someone in order to build a relationship with them.

I always found this disarming and somewhat charming in its effect. There is a sense of fairness and boundaries in the game, (unless the T is annoyed with you.) and it goes on until they have gotten what ever interaction they wanted.

When T show their social side and try to be nice- (I have seen these in both male & female Ts) they have learnt the social rules well, and make gracious hosts- going around to make sure everyone is included in the festivities.

T people will rarely tell you much about themselves but will share their thoughts on most non-personal things. It takes a lot of trust for them to reveal much about their personal lives but when they do, its like you are a keeper to the secret key of that knowledge.

Show a little love to T types..

image attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hathu-/4053281099/

I want to talk about a book I am currently reading: Personality Type: An Owner’s Manual by Lenore Thomson.

In it the author says: “[...]INFPs may get their self-experience only when it conflicts with their external choices. Even those INFPs who have plugged themselves into a career that allows them to do something meaning and good may not feel sure they’re doing enough. They are nagged by an impression that something else is supposed to happen, something that will tell them what they’re really meant to do.”

“In order to actualize their certainties and ideals, INFPs generally find a place for themselves in the prevailing social system that allows them to focus on human potential. But given the fact that their values are more fundamental than institutional priorities, they’re constantly frustrated with the time and energy they spend on structural maintenance- society’s “edifice complex”.

The author goes on to say that INFPs remain confused how to act on these values, because the Fi part suggests a “life spent in pilgrimage, free from objective attachments”. But of course most INFPs don’t drop their families and life for such- so INFPs will use “their Intuition defensively”- “Either they become permanent seekers- good at many things but disinclined to stick with any for long- or they become passive, unable to articulate what they want.” “Left to their own devices, they (the latter) tend to procrastinate or do unnecessary tasks to avoid more important ones.”

He also mentions some INFP become so good at managing the time and resources of others but not their own.

He says that when INFPs stop using intuition(Ni or Ne) defensively, they will start asserting their Feeling goals (Fi) in a rebellious way, “They literally avoid situations that don’t accord with their primary self-experience, forfeiting relationships rather than experience inner conflict.”

However, when INFPs use their Ne, it invites them to “give up expectations, to live in harmony with anything that happens.[..] they see their values have nothing to do with their comfort or discomfort in a situation. They constitute a way of seeing life, a way of relating to any situation. When INFPS use their intuition to figure out how to make this relationship manifest, they see that they have many options to take positive action.”

“They realize that being responsible to their values isn’t about fighting what exists; its about building, recognizing that they can do things, want to do things, that might not even occur to other.”

The author also encourages INFPs to work on their strengths and creative pursuits that will give their work a concrete form.

—————

I think he is saying that INFPs will resist external influences at first because it seem to conflict with their ideals. For me, it was easy to demean social conventions and rules especially if they seem restrictive because that’s how I thought I could challenge it, pretending they were not so important and products of perfectionist egomaniacs.

Yet, it was certain not all people shared the same view. Easily I could transfer how I felt inside about certain things (Fi-type values) and insist to others this was how it was to behave. Though frankly I didn’t see it as such- I merely believed I had to get back what I gave when I tried to be understanding or kind. If someone quarreled with me over something they broke the bargain. My Fi values gave me stability in a uncertain world but killed 1-2 close friendships in my early years.

Growing my Te only bolstered that I could now win Fi-type arguments . And you do see this example in INFP forums where a INFP gets annoyed over a remark over Fi-values and starts bombarding the offender until they retreat, still heckling.

Having an active extroverted intuition (Ne) was a third stage that generated more possibilities. I remember this growth as a terribly exciting and fun time for me during my studies in film and in my first job.

Wish he would give more insights into the further development of a well-developed INFPs though. He does close with this, “In general, however, well-developed INFPs [...] strike others as unassuming, even deferential, because they treat people with unconditional love and compassion. In consequence, their actions, their choices, their way of life can awaken others to human values the community has not acknowledged.”

With this, he seems to suggest that well-developed INFPs in their later years develop some introverted intuition (Ni), extroverted feeling(Fe) which coupled with the values of Fi and Ne, give much insight and keep INFP true and kind to others and themselves.

Feel free to comment.

Citation from dictionary.com
1)Instinct: a natural or innate impulse, inclination, or tendency.

http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/nf-private-forum/35471-infps-gut-feelings.html

2)Insight: penetrating mental vision or discernment; faculty of seeing into inner character or underlying truth.

http://personalitycafe.com/cognitive-functions/25454-i-need-understand-ni.html

3)Thinking: thought; judgment, reflection

http://personalitycafe.com/infp-forum-idealists/23343-could-anyone-describe-how-they-use-their-te.html

I would make a guess to say an Infp’s Instinct is Fi based. Insight would be more like Ni (INFPs can have Ni & Ti), and Thinking would be more Te (extroverted thinking).

In most work situations, I prefer the usage of insight and thinking.

The usage of insight is rather haphazard, in the sense I use it to scan for conclusions (like facial expressions) that my sensory memory cannot identify. I use it particularly with people who ramble on and give me a whole chunk of information without any logic to it- which my Te cannot process as it get stuck around the first sentence.

Thinking? That’s easy enough. I use it for planning work, getting details down and ahead of deadlines. I use it to also sift through detailed information, to search quickly and attack complex email requests. I wouldn’t get bothered about tones in work emails and just get to task.

I use instinct, rarely- there’s this guy at my office. We talked and went out- and it was friendly enough; but there was another time which made me reconsider. Once he passed my desk and talked to me. I had this shocking gut reaction that I didn’t want him around. Maybe he was closing into my personal space too early. I find my instinct getting more accurate with awareness. But usually I use it for useless things like whether to chase after a bus..

Extrovert Intuitives:

ENFP

(great video anyway)

(is she esfp or enfp?)
-moves a lot or hand gestures. does the look up to top part, cynical/amused mouth upturn to left, look goes from open eyes (surprise) to screwed up eyes (thinking). Amused eyes. Might rant on subjects.

ENTP

- tendency to lift 1 eyebrow, like to present lots of info, more head movement typical of ‘NT’. eyebrow not used to emphasis point but natural lift. Adding of snippets of humor, winking. Goes into ‘winging it’ mode often.(fast brain thinking)

ENTJ (not enough videos..)

ENFJ (not enough videos..)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvGOcxfA8zQ&feature=related

-body movement with head, lifted eyebrows, wry mouth pulls, controlled eye look

Very few videos for ENTJ and ENFJ. I suspect vlogging about MBTI is more of an introvert intutitive thing. Please let me know if you come across any ENTJ or ENFJ videos

Industries with many:
xSTJs: most industries have many xSTJs. Tend to be well-paying industries like Accountancy, Finance, Business, Operations but there are exceptions. Also Entrepreneurship. INFPs need to find a role that suits their personality which is not impossible. Important for INFP to grow their Ti/Te/Ni (Introverted Thinking/ Extraverted Thinking/ Introverted Inutition) here.

xSTPs: tends to be Sales, Marketing, Property, Finance or outdoor industries which independence and freedom is highly valued by employees. They can also be found in Food, Security and Legal lines. Possibly of freelance. Competitive and INFPs need to find a role which they can be independent without too much external pressure. Need to learn to use Ti/Ni.

xSFPs: SFPs enjoy working with people and expressing their creative sides. An INFP may find xSFP fields to be a good training ground for expressing Se/Ne (Extraverted Sensing & Extraverted Intuition). Industries such as F&B, Events, Customer Service, Retail, Teaching, Media, Music, Nursing, Fashion, Private Gym Trainers, Graphic Design.

xSFJ: SFJs can be found in many places. However, they love to help and thus can be found in Nursing, Teaching, Human Resources, Writing, Religion. INFPs need to adapt to using Fe. Ti can be an asset in understanding xSFJs

xNTJ: NTJs can be found in entrepreneurship, Business, Engineering, Science, Politics and also well-paying industries. Some Ni types will be found in Advertising, Music, Design or Architecture. INFPs need to understand Ni (Introverted Intuition) is a important development in order to work with NTJs. Expression of Te is also highly useful.

xNTP: NTPs can be found in Law, Media, Knowledge Banks like Science, Advertising, Marketing, Music, Fashion, IT and just about anywhere exciting or at the frontier. INFPs will find usage of Ti an asset, though they can never be just as insightful. It is important to use Ne to catch up.

xNFJ: can be found in Law, Teaching, Psychology, Human Resources, Social Work, Music, Politics, Writing, Event Management, Art. INFPs here need to be interested in understanding humans by developing their Ni and Fe (Introverted Intuition & Extraverted Feeling).

xNFP: can be found in Media, IT, Psychology, Social Work, Teaching, Journalism, Music and Entrepreneurship. Besides working in their field of interest, INFPs can look into option of working in field they are interested in -in a good paying industry. e.g. HR in Petrochemical, Media Specialist in Business- if they have security needs and bills to pay.

In the end, its about what industry/company you enjoy working in and your payoff. What would you think fellow INFPs.. is there any accuracy here..? Please correct me if I am off, I will make your edits into the post.

There were times in the past I thought intuition was like terrible gift: precursors to ringing telephones boding of death of someone close. Now I believe its a mixture of experience distilled from subconscious ideas or cultural values: a brain’s wiki-summary of someone’s 200 page thesis research. At least, that is my poor-man’s version of intuition.

Perhaps in other forms, intuition forms stranglets of consciousness between 2 persons, enabling them to connect strong moods, thoughts or events. Without any rational reasoning, I seem to realise it is not healthy to form psychological bonds even of intuition between those who have little desire to form a relationship(or healthy one) with you. Such intuition seems destructive and obsessive. Some people will call it emotional bonds.

To detach myself from such destructive bonds, I would stop thoughts from forming by imagining a hammer breaking the thought. If I was in a relaxed mood, I would try to talk myself through how my moods could have affected me and caused such disturbance. Often I would realise I just needed to do something to feel emotionally better.