Just friends..?
Could I ever find it in myself to be just friends with someone who claimed he loved me yet treated me unfairly. Who asked for kindness from me but treated me with cruelty when I wanted reassurance.
I cannot even think of the past or future with him now.
I am finding it hard to put together the puzzle- the person he says he is and the selfish words coming from his mouth & his actions thus far. I feel I have been lied to, manipulated, and tossed aside. Like a plaything of a child.
I ask myself if I am being vindictive. But its a quiet, tired voice that says.. “Enough.. enough. Its time to move on.”
My diary is littered with pieces of my heart. Its not the first time I felt this way.
What is keeping me calm is reading this book
“A Call to Compassion- Bringing Buddhist Practices of the Heart into the Soul of Psychology” by Aura Glaser.
It is a book written with much love for humanity and self. It is just 207 pages, but its been one of the best books I ever read on compassion in the Buddhist form.
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I feel that I had progressed a little over this past year. I had moments of clarity and gratitude to the world. I felt lighter. Then when I thought I was ready to move on & remove my emotional ties to him, his confession put me in a tailspin. I was not as grounded as I thought, and in hindsight, this was a major setback for me.
Its been 4 months since the fallout and I am still struggling not to message him. I’m getting the strong inner voice to chase away the demons. Letting my angry voice rant in my private diary. Protecting the child in me from demeaning thoughts. Focusing fully on my body while doing yoga. Keep at meeting new people and doing things for others, like making cookies & wrapping presents. Taking photos.
I would not say its easy. Going through Christmas and New Year like this is horrible. Greeting people in the mornings with a puffy face & crooked smile has been the mode. Trying to be normal when all is not. Knowing that the other fork in the road is now destroyed.
I have to acknowledge my emotions to myself, even if it is hard to let anyone know. I will try not to wallow if I can help it.
I think about vengeance, in the form of wanting to be someone he will regret leaving- then these thoughts seem funny for a laugh and a small wise voice tells me to be compassionate to myself. I think its a result of reading the book by Aura..
There is this aphorism in the book which says “Be grateful to everyone” or “Meditate on everyone as kind”. It means, even “those who insult and irritate us are the most difficult subjects for gratitude, and the most fruitful. [..] Contemplating the kindness of others means hat, whatever their intentions, we can still benefit from whatever others do. Rather than submit to resentment or hatred, rather than nursing a grudge or denying a problem, we opt for a way to further open the heart. [...] Being grateful to everyone means also being grateful for everything. It means just being grateful- unconditionally. Be grateful for the difficulties, and be grateful for the relief of these difficulties.”
It is all very wise.. & hard to do.. but I shall try to see this whole situation as beneficial.
ellzrae
hmm You are so whining and drowning yourself in selfpity.
and I understand this… because I am INFP, too.
I had a depression for some years, then I went abroad and a lot of bad stuff happened to me. I hardened a lot and understood that life is really too short for a long grievance about stuff, which is independant from us.
I advise to you leave totally this person, which is hurting you. INFP is so wired that make almost imposssible to be tolerant or grow patience toward hurting people because of “idealism” or strong rules. I fighted people, which were hurting me but this costed me too much because I don’t like hurting, so I felt bad. Just leave this person and take care of your life.
I must say I am so cynic now but only in thinking because I can’t hurt people with premeditation. At least I know what makes a world tick.
No, don’t be grateful toward people in generality , only toward them, who really helped you. Compassion toward all is worth nothing because has no real reason.
A lot of theories of buddhists are bullshit because first creators of this system were monks, who lived in silent monasters and didn’t need to deal with mess of ordinarily life. Yes, there are patient and optimistic people, who are dealing good with hard stuff but it depends of their psychic construction and childhood.
Compassion toward world won’t help you in dragging yourself to strong standing on your feet, it can even make you more soft in bad way – toward more selfpity and whining.
Leave the past and no good people.
Sorry for my sloppy English and I wish you to find your strenght in yourself.
I can very much relate. Was just talking to a friend about my inability to let go yesterday. Seven years. Picking at the wound does not help i find. I find that some of these infp personality characteristics resemble mental illness….. sometimes I wonder if I am crazy.
It has helped me to embrace and own my personality…. it is OK to be different from most people.
hugs, dear!
I’ve been there. What helped me in the end, was coming to terms with the fact that the term ‘letting go’ was a misnomer, and the idea of ‘holding on’ really meant that I was the only person trying to keep a relationship together.
It was not an easy thing to accept. Actually, thinking about it this way, that I was the only one keeping something alive, made me feel more sorry for myself. Gradually, I turned this thought in my head, until I was eventually okay with it.
There is no use ‘holding on’, I reasoned, when there was nothing to hold on to. I was trying to live a fiction. I was trying to fool myself. Going to the gym helped a lot during that time. I would run on the treadmill and think angry thoughts, which would fuel me to run faster.
Anyway, I hope you are treating yourself well. You will get better!!!