The_Big_One_Rollercoaster_by_JohnWardell
image attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/johnwardell/49734219/
First, I have to apologize for all the confessions here which might make it uncomfortable for some to read.
My life has been a rollercoaster ride for the past 2 months since I wrote my last post.
I had been over my feelings for my friend (who I mention about a couple of times in this blog) for a couple of months. And just as I was not really hoping for anything.. he made a confession and asked if we could date.
Initially I was over the moon. I really was. I felt really happy and comforted.
But then it became a disaster just 3 weeks ago. My undiagnosed mild-borderline was triggered over a postponed appointment. (part of a series of postponed appts actually- lack of discussion worsened it into an emotional issue)
I’ll save you from the ugly details..(think Fi-Si-Ne in the worst way) the end result was we not meet as often. 
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I have come to wonder… how do you know if someone is willing to travel the spiritual path of life with you- even though it would take work? I am willing to put in the emotional work to be a balanced person.. but how does one know if the person is willing to be very patient with me and also be open to theirs as well?
I had thought my friend and I were spiritually connected in some way. Not sure if it makes any sense, but I had asked for someone with his name to be in my life before I met him. The first time we met was pretty average, but I had a dream of him where he turned and looked at me silently in a dream- it seemed to me it was indication we needed to talk. I kept dreaming of him after that- and it was more than I ever dreamt of anybody, family included.
The first time we went out for drinks, we saw a double rainbow and he even bought a mirror. We even had the same type of watch and mobiles. Now you think I’m in cuckoo-land don’t you? ;D.
I had felt then he was my mirror-mate, if you understand. Someone who reflects you closely, but inversely. I really cared for him.
It was often easy to understand each other and conversations would flow. I was always very honest and kind with him. But it was also easy to build on each others emotions, negatively. If I became irrational, he would follow suit.
During the past year or so though, we did our own growing and seemed more different.
Smart people will say that you cannot build a relationship on surface similarities- it has to be about similar values and respect.
Still its hard to let go of someone whom you cared intensely about and believe you have a spiritual connection with. But because he has implied this is too much for him as he does not know what would trigger me next and distance would be better, I will not force him. There is just no point.. right..?
I wish my anger issues would just go away.. and this didn’t turn out like this. I thought I had made progress in getting better- but turns out the explosives are gone but the switch is still there. My fuse is not working properly yet.. (haha..cynical laugh)
Cried out my eyes a bit, guess its time now to move on. (Ne (extroverted intuition) is being in a protective mode with the lame jokes..)
Tags: borderline, infp, love, mbti, Myer-Briggs, sadness
btw being paired with someone is often no fun! I can tell you stories that will make you feel much, much better!!!!
I think infps should look for good communicators as mates. We’re not the best at communicating. Often we feel and repress and then it all comes out at once.
hugs, dear!!!! oh, I’m so sorry.
You never know how far the other person will go with you, or what they’re like under the surface. It’s a continual learning experience, I think.
I wish I had words to take the pain away. I don’t think there is a magical answer, except that I agree with Bart, you will be okay, and you will be the better for it at some point.
Take care of yourself.
Hi kitty,
Thanks for making it so positive.. I hope there was something to learn, and it was enough worth for the heartbreak & breaking of trust.
To see someone whom once loved you act this way is confusing. You just keep looking for the former person to turn up. But he’s gone.
Hope some point will come soon.
Yes, I realised I need someone who will and can communicate.
Thank you for your kindness..
Are you me? Well that cannot be because I’m a guy. I have almost exactly the same feelings like you now, my relationship ended but I feel enormous spiritual connection with my ex and are finding it hard to accept. So much more could have been …
You’ll be OK. The best thing for us INFPs is to redirect these feelings towards something creative – draw, write, compose music anything! Hang in there
Thank you bart. Yes, I’ll be ok. You’re right…
I questioned myself if we ever had a spiritual connection. The dreams seemed to indicate so.. but I think it might have been more of a emotional connection.
But now its over, its over. I cannot bring myself to read the tea leaves, divine the abstract, think of the things he said… now its over.
I’m taking photographs.. its not very emotionally satisfying, but it is a good distraction as it takes up quite a lot of time.