love_by_jcolman
image attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jcolman/385760199/
Unfortunately, I am an INFP. My heart can swell with all the love in the world- just like the love I had for the young children my mum took care of- I loved them to bits. Having them around in my early teens made my life less painful. I fed them, hugged them, put them to bed, bought them on outings and devised games for them. In return, I had all the love and acceptance. Their parents liked me, and I was happy to take care of their children for nothing. It was wonderful to love unconditionally.
I rented a room in someone’s house years ago, and those were very sweet days for me. The family living there treated each other with love and respect. There was never any shouting- at most there would be a quizzical short argument. They would ask kindly whenever they needed to obtain something from me or even to proffer a fruit. I saw what it was like to be respected as a person.
In my first job, I worked for a wonderful couple who owned a photography studio. Even though it was a small outfit, they were always generous with their time and gave me responsibilities and asked me what i liked to learn. When I mentioned lighting, the husband gladly taught me how to setup lighting with no reservations. They also sent me on an overseas trip on a production even though I was a newbie. I understood what it meant to be trusted greatly and to trust someone who would do what they promised.
2 years ago, I met someone who has changed how I feel about life. Before I met him, i was undergoing much disappointment at how I could not continue in the creative field and that I had to return back and live in my old home. He made me feel that I was not alone and there was some hope. For the first time, everything I said made sense to someone. And he wasn’t even from the internet. I know now what it is to be understood and to be accepted as myself.
But today, I feel my heart is a raisin even after all these experiences. I am but a dried out husk of my potentiality. I have been waiting for years for something, someone to love. Maybe because I am a sentimental fool, I think I need love. Sometimes I think maybe I’m ugly or fat. Sometimes I think maybe I have an awful personality. Sometimes I think perhaps I haven’t tried looking yet. Sometimes I think I am not ready. Sometimes I think I want to dive into it because I just want to express my love in a mature, unconditional and beautiful way.
If love is not for me, I don’t know how else to be an INFP.
———–
I am reading Alan Watts (Does it Matter: Planting Seeds and Gathering Fruit) and he says: “Every project for self-transformation is a vicious circle.” He goes on to say:
The Perfect Way is without difficulty,
Save that it avoids picking and choosing.
Only when you stop liking and disliking
Will all be clearly understood..
Be not concerned with right and wrong.
The conflict between right and wrong
Is the sickness of the mind.
One cannot remove something because all things exist in all states, one must accept the presence of the opposite and not judge it in terms of negativity or positivity. It is obvious that i am still not far off from such judgement. For if I knew so, I would accept I am loved, I am love and I am loving even without a focus object or person or outward manifestation of love in my life.
I quote him further:
Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
Nirvana is, but no one seeking it;
The path there is, but none who travel it.
Is my focus, my need to love, a quest that needn’t be? My Ne (extroverted intuition) is telling me to say something wicked and snotty to all this- but Ni (introverted intuition) just wants me to think about this for a while…
What is the quest of love for you? Is it a quest, or are you zen in love?
Tags: infp, love, Myer-Briggs, thinking, zen
ellzrae
Hello, lovely girl! Look at all these wonderful INFPs who’ve come together to help each other out! Of course, like everyone else, I’m an INFP, too. I know, just as we all know, exactly what you mean. And here we are to help you out!
I want you to realize, Surviving INFP, that being such a personality type isn’t unfortunate! On the contrary, I think it’s the most fortunate type to be. Idealism may seem a sad and lonely road when you always have to face the realists and cynics, but to me it’s the only path worth living. Here’s to quote from Don Quixote:
“I’ve been a soldier and a slave. I’ve seen my comrades fall in battle or die more slowly under the lash in Africa. I’ve held them in my arms at the final moment. These were men who saw life as it is, yet they died despairing. No glory, no brave last words, only their eyes, filled with confusion, questioning “Why?” I don’t think they were wondering why they were dying, but why they had ever lived. When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? To surrender dreams – -this may be madness; to seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness! But maddest of all – -to see life as it is and not as it should be. ”
It explains it all so beautifully. We are a special 1%! It’s such a risk and sacrifice to give your heart to something and love it, but I think every effort is worth it. After all, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all! Loving is living. It is ecstasy and despair, misery and bliss. But it all must be there together, or none of it would exist. (woah, unintentional half-rhyme) There can be no light without dark.
INFPs are idealistic, sensitive, and creative. (Idealism fosters sensitivity which triggers creativity….). Basically this means you are hopeful, loving, and beautiful. YOU are. Your soul is special, your personality is fantastic, and you have so much to give to the world. And because you love others so much, you have so much in yourself to love. Loving yourself isn’t vanity, it’s internal peace and the cultivation of your full potential. You’ll have the ability to love others even more, and in turn others will love you. I can promise that. It’s risky, but have courage! You can do it! (Haha, this is why Don Quixote is a Gryffindor….)
I lived and found the fount of love,
I loved and would not dare but live.
My grief would turn my eyes above,
And love of life to skies I’d give.
And then, in joy, it gave me light.
Such sorrows let me paint it bright.
It killed me, this, my love so true,
But I, immortal, speak to you.
(Sorry if this sounds a bit obnoxious! I don’t know everything and I’m really talkative about stuff like this! But I think this is true and I hope it helps. Please stay beautiful!)
Thank you for letting me understand my INFP wife.
an INTP husband
Thank you Khaled. It’s nice to know that I helped you.
I just found your blog, it’s incredible. I’m an INFP too and I’ve never laid that to a personality type until researching it recently; everything falls into place… I always just thought I was so defective or strange. Thank you for writing and please keep it up, I can relate to it so much. :’)
Thank you kindly Crescent. I have received more from all my commenters as a result of having this blog.
I’m “INFP” too and in a moody mood. I’m distracted, I haven’t understood entirely what your concern is.
One of the things which causes me the greatest stress in this world (and in myself) is my predilection to judge things – the prism of right and wrong. Uck!
–
I don’t really know what to say. It’s bad for your health to get too caught up in it (at least without a meaningful outlet); yet I also feel it’s the most important thing: to discriminate so that we can make the world a better place.
[I don't really understand where morality, a moral impulse, fits into Zen, or Buddhism in general - clearly many 'practitioners' are concerned with those issues, and yet the 'doctrines' of "perfect way without difficulty"/ "stop liking, disliking" seem contrary to such concerns.]
“There is no love where there is no bramble” From the Smog song “Say Valley Maker”
Sometimes I revel in the thought that perhaps I will never receive the love that I desire, and yet I am still a lovely person. Perhaps the same is true of you (I mean the latter part of that sentence). That’s real important, and nice.
[sorry!]
No problem Darcy. I am not a zen practitioner but I am very open to receiving advice from that school of thought. frankly I am unable to decently discuss with you because of my lack of knowledge of these things.
But that’s not going to stop me from trying from my own understanding. It seems morality is a social and learned construct used to help society function. Perhaps many of us Fi-doms have internalized many of such constructs ‘equality’, ‘fairness’ as it feels right. I am not sure of the function of Zen Buddhism as to society- but it sure seems a lot of such teachings was to uncover e real intention behind behaviors or to examine the truth of one’s belief systems. It’s a bit in Ni-land, but I think infps can access it if they put aside their beliefs on what should be right for a while…?
I am…pretty zen. I think I got all the quest out of me. ha.
Do you ever look around at some of the terrible people out there? Many of them are not alone. They have partners. That used to infuriate me. Maybe you can take something from it, that there can be someone out there for everyone?
I suggest doing S-type things rather than stew in your head. It’s helped me a lot – cooking very complicated things, sewing, taking photos, just getting outside. It’s too easy to stew in your own juice!
Gosh u’re right about tt Kitty. Thanks for giving me laugh haha..
Doing rather than talking. Making rather than watching.. it’s a philosophy I do appreciate definitely. I take photos and do yoga on a regular basis. Bake sometimes as well. But emptiness comes back all e time so it’s obvious I still need a mental and spiritual philosophy of my own.
Oh, I think love is difficult for us INFPs… All that emotion, while being a dreamer and idealist and in need of own space and solitude at times, means it is a confusing thing for us. There are no arguments over who does the dishes in my dreams… And I often struggle with this closeness/solitude thing – my husband is an ENFP and he needs peopel around him all the time, while I really really need time alone at times. Hard work and seems more difficult for us as we are idealists and won’t “settle” like many other types might.
Love your blog! Mine is also about being an INFP, but about trying to realize some of those dreams that are inside my head but will be very happy just to stay there unless I do something about it – and this is hard for me… http://www.dreamersbehinddesks.com
I’m pretty much struggling with the same feelings. I’ve been on a quest for love for as long as I can remember. Love, I’ve convinced myself, is the greatest thing in the world, and it’s worth suffering for. But with every failure, real or imaginary, I feel like I’m straying further and further from my path. Sometimes I even think that I lack the ability to love anyone in a proper way.
But I have to agree with Valery in the end. We need to stop letting other people drain us emotionally and physically, even those who we are prepared to love unconditionally. It’s a choice that we can make. It’s not an easy process, at least not for me, as I tend to fall back into my old patterns. But I truly believe that the first step to love is to accept myself as being a good person, someone who is capable of giving and receiving love.
Hi, I’m 47 an INFP, lots of similar experiences to yours especially in the work place.
You post up above is right on, self acceptance and the ability to show oneself the same compassion you would extend to others is critical to growing spiritually but its very hard to do in practice.
I have been engaged in zen practice for a quite awhile and feel very fortunate to have fallen into it much of it having to do with having an INFP type of personality.
If you haven’t some other Zen authors that have really made sense to me –
Ezra Bayda, Joko Beck, Pema Chodron, and Elizabeth Hamilton.
Thank you kindly AJ. I had to go away for some time to think about some things in life & so I wasn’t ready to answer yours and others kind comments.
I appreciate tt you have given me practical advice on authors to read. I am grateful to e kind advice I have received on my blog over the years.
I will keep in mind it’s imp to be compassionate towards oneself as well.
I know this may sound weird but do you love your self? It seems to me like your loving everyone else but your self. Just from reading I know that your a beautiful person, but in order to be beautiful you need to feel beautiful. I am also an infp and struggled with doubting my self, indecision, loving to hard etc I am also a musician and for a while I had Music block I couldn’t write a single song I felt like I lost myself. Those times were the worst times but I picked my self up and decided to stop letting people drain me emotionally and physically. Since then I feel like I found my self my reason for laughing, living, loving, and breathing is me not my significant other or family.
I think you have made a beautiful point that I need to love myself. I dun think I have done much of this and still working on it. I am not a perfect infp. Actually I can be difficult, tetchy and not very nice. I just find it so hard to feel loved cause without feedback it seems no matter how well I treat myself it still doesn’t seem enough.
This drives me to figure out myself.. being ennegram 5w4 it’s what I do when life gets difficult.
love fellow infps
you are a great person you deserve lots of hugs n kisses n all