Finding it hard to let go

Just friends..?

Could I ever find it in myself to be just friends with someone who claimed he loved me yet treated me unfairly. Who asked for kindness from me but treated me with cruelty when I wanted reassurance.

I cannot even think of the past or future with him now.

I am finding it hard to put together the puzzle- the person he says he is and the selfish words coming from his mouth & his actions thus far. I feel I have been lied to, manipulated, and tossed aside. Like a plaything of a child.

I ask myself if I am being vindictive. But its a quiet, tired voice that says.. “Enough.. enough. Its time to move on.”

My diary is littered with pieces of my heart. Its not the first time I felt this way.

What is keeping me calm is reading this book
“A Call to Compassion- Bringing Buddhist Practices of the Heart into the Soul of Psychology” by Aura Glaser.

It is a book written with much love for humanity and self. It is just 207 pages, but its been one of the best books I ever read on compassion in the Buddhist form.

—-
I feel that I had progressed a little over this past year. I had moments of clarity and gratitude to the world. I felt lighter. Then when I thought I was ready to move on & remove my emotional ties to him, his confession put me in a tailspin. I was not as grounded as I thought, and in hindsight, this was a major setback for me.

Its been 4 months since the fallout and I am still struggling not to message him. I’m getting the strong inner voice to chase away the demons. Letting my angry voice rant in my private diary. Protecting the child in me from demeaning thoughts. Focusing fully on my body while doing yoga. Keep at meeting new people and doing things for others, like making cookies & wrapping presents. Taking photos.

I would not say its easy. Going through Christmas and New Year like this is horrible. Greeting people in the mornings with a puffy face & crooked smile has been the mode. Trying to be normal when all is not. Knowing that the other fork in the road is now destroyed.

I have to acknowledge my emotions to myself, even if it is hard to let anyone know. I will try not to wallow if I can help it.

I think about vengeance, in the form of wanting to be someone he will regret leaving- then these thoughts seem funny for a laugh and a small wise voice tells me to be compassionate to myself. I think its a result of reading the book by Aura..

There is this aphorism in the book which says “Be grateful to everyone” or “Meditate on everyone as kind”. It means, even “those who insult and irritate us are the most difficult subjects for gratitude, and the most fruitful. [..] Contemplating the kindness of others means hat, whatever their intentions, we can still benefit from whatever others do. Rather than submit to resentment or hatred, rather than nursing a grudge or denying a problem, we opt for a way to further open the heart. [...] Being grateful to everyone means also being grateful for everything. It means just being grateful- unconditionally. Be grateful for the difficulties, and be grateful for the relief of these difficulties.”

It is all very wise.. & hard to do.. but I shall try to see this whole situation as beneficial.

First you get the highs then you get the lows

The_Big_One_Rollercoaster_by_JohnWardell

image attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/johnwardell/49734219/

First, I have to apologize for all the confessions here which might make it uncomfortable for some to read.

My life has been a rollercoaster ride for the past 2 months since I wrote my last post.

I had been over my feelings for my friend (who I mention about a couple of times in this blog) for a couple of months. And just as I was not really hoping for anything.. he made a confession and asked if we could date.

Initially I was over the moon. I really was. I felt really happy and comforted.

But then it became a disaster just 3 weeks ago. My undiagnosed mild-borderline was triggered over a postponed appointment. (part of a series of postponed appts actually- lack of discussion worsened it into an emotional issue)

I’ll save you from the ugly details..(think Fi-Si-Ne in the worst way) the end result was we not meet as often.
—————-

I have come to wonder… how do you know if someone is willing to travel the spiritual path of life with you- even though it would take work? I am willing to put in the emotional work to be a balanced person.. but how does one know if the person is willing to be very patient with me and also be open to theirs as well?

I had thought my friend and I were spiritually connected in some way. Not sure if it makes any sense, but I had asked for someone with his name to be in my life before I met him. The first time we met was pretty average, but I had a dream of him where he turned and looked at me silently in a dream- it seemed to me it was indication we needed to talk. I kept dreaming of him after that- and it was more than I ever dreamt of anybody, family included.

The first time we went out for drinks, we saw a double rainbow and he even bought a mirror. We even had the same type of watch and mobiles. Now you think I’m in cuckoo-land don’t you? ;D.

I had felt then he was my mirror-mate, if you understand. Someone who reflects you closely, but inversely. I really cared for him.

It was often easy to understand each other and conversations would flow. I was always very honest and kind with him. But it was also easy to build on each others emotions, negatively. If I became irrational, he would follow suit.

During the past year or so though, we did our own growing and seemed more different.

Smart people will say that you cannot build a relationship on surface similarities- it has to be about similar values and respect.

Still its hard to let go of someone whom you cared intensely about and believe you have a spiritual connection with. But because he has implied this is too much for him as he does not know what would trigger me next and distance would be better, I will not force him. There is just no point.. right..?

I wish my anger issues would just go away.. and this didn’t turn out like this. I thought I had made progress in getting better- but turns out the explosives are gone but the switch is still there. My fuse is not working properly yet.. (haha..cynical laugh)

Cried out my eyes a bit, guess its time now to move on. (Ne (extroverted intuition) is being in a protective mode with the lame jokes..)

Tags: infp, Myer-Briggs, love, sadness, mbti, borderline

My heart is like a raisin now

love_by_jcolman

image attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jcolman/385760199/

Unfortunately, I am an INFP. My heart can swell with all the love in the world- just like the love I had for the young children my mum took care of- I loved them to bits. Having them around in my early teens made my life less painful. I fed them, hugged them, put them to bed, bought them on outings and devised games for them. In return, I had all the love and acceptance. Their parents liked me, and I was happy to take care of their children for nothing. It was wonderful to love unconditionally.

I rented a room in someone’s house years ago, and those were very sweet days for me. The family living there treated each other with love and respect. There was never any shouting- at most there would be a quizzical short argument. They would ask kindly whenever they needed to obtain something from me or even to proffer a fruit. I saw what it was like to be respected as a person.

In my first job, I worked for a wonderful couple who owned a photography studio. Even though it was a small outfit, they were always generous with their time and gave me responsibilities and asked me what i liked to learn. When I mentioned lighting, the husband gladly taught me how to setup lighting with no reservations. They also sent me on an overseas trip on a production even though I was a newbie. I understood what it meant to be trusted greatly and to trust someone who would do what they promised.

2 years ago, I met someone who has changed how I feel about life. Before I met him, i was undergoing much disappointment at how I could not continue in the creative field and that I had to return back and live in my old home. He made me feel that I was not alone and there was some hope. For the first time, everything I said made sense to someone. And he wasn’t even from the internet. I know now what it is to be understood and to be accepted as myself.

But today, I feel my heart is a raisin even after all these experiences. I am but a dried out husk of my potentiality. I have been waiting for years for something, someone to love. Maybe because I am a sentimental fool, I think I need love. Sometimes I think maybe I’m ugly or fat. Sometimes I think maybe I have an awful personality. Sometimes I think perhaps I haven’t tried looking yet. Sometimes I think I am not ready. Sometimes I think I want to dive into it because I just want to express my love in a mature, unconditional and beautiful way.

If love is not for me, I don’t know how else to be an INFP.
———–

I am reading Alan Watts (Does it Matter: Planting Seeds and Gathering Fruit) and he says: “Every project for self-transformation is a vicious circle.” He goes on to say:

The Perfect Way is without difficulty,
Save that it avoids picking and choosing.
Only when you stop liking and disliking
Will all be clearly understood..
Be not concerned with right and wrong.
The conflict between right and wrong
Is the sickness of the mind.

One cannot remove something because all things exist in all states, one must accept the presence of the opposite and not judge it in terms of negativity or positivity. It is obvious that i am still not far off from such judgement. For if I knew so, I would accept I am loved, I am love and I am loving even without a focus object or person or outward manifestation of love in my life.

I quote him further:
Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
Nirvana is, but no one seeking it;
The path there is, but none who travel it.

Is my focus, my need to love, a quest that needn’t be? My Ne (extroverted intuition) is telling me to say something wicked and snotty to all this- but Ni (introverted intuition) just wants me to think about this for a while…

What is the quest of love for you? Is it a quest, or are you zen in love?

Tags: infp, love, Myer-Briggs, thinking, zen

Worst jobs for INFP

list of worst jobs in the world for INFPS… let me guess, best jobs for some other types? Some tongue-in-cheek, some serious and included some not so obvious ones. Would be worried if any INFP actually has such jobs- for various reasons.

1. Property salesperson
2. Scam artist/ Forger / Romance Scammer
3. Pimp
4. Fryer at fast food restaurant
5. Telesales
6. Nurse at cancer ward (check out Jean K’s & kayelizabethday’s reply proving me wrong):)
7. Fashion Model for runways (questioned by Sandy)
8. Slaughterhouse help
9. Casino Dealer
10. Stocks trader on the floor
11. Doctor at leukemia ward
12. Graphic Designer at Ad Agency
13. Children Wrangler on set
14. Low-ranked soldier
15. Mail sorter
16. Politician
17. Social Worker (check out Sandy’s reply)
18. Hairstylist (questioned by Sandy)
19. Bank Teller
20. Air Steward
21. Kitchen help
22. Events Manager
23: Gym Trainer
24. Waiter

Mainly these are jobs which one would have to take care of people who are dying (e.g. Nurse), or too demanding in terms of effort or time (e.g. Casino dealer) or have to subject oneself to a lowly position or where a lot is demanded in terms of looks (e.g Model) or social extroversion (e.g. Politician).

Feel free to prove me otherwise.

Tags: INFP Career, jobs for INFP, mbti, Myer-Briggs

Fascinated by all ‘T’ types (title edited to suit topic)

image attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/joannejc/4931271322/

I love observing ‘T’ people and overhearing their conversations- I am captivated by the infinite ways of expressions and the little social games they play to create their goals. With ‘F’ people, its either they are trying to make you feel comfortable or they are trying to make you fit into a certain idea of how one behaves.

But with ‘T’ types, they have little hidden agendas when they are trying to move you to follow a certain regulation or rule they have created. If you comply and conform, you are no fun. They like to have a little thrust-and-parry to see if you are a worthy opponent and if they can get you to concede they are right. ISTJs especially love this game.

When a fellow T talks to another T whom she has respect for, there is a little game of haggling and straight-forward questions which to a F probably sounds pretty rude. But they seem to enjoy it if its on a social level. Its probably the F equivalent of being nice to someone in order to build a relationship with them.

I always found this disarming and somewhat charming in its effect. There is a sense of fairness and boundaries in the game, (unless the T is annoyed with you.) and it goes on until they have gotten what ever interaction they wanted.

When T show their social side and try to be nice- (I have seen these in both male & female Ts) they have learnt the social rules well, and make gracious hosts- going around to make sure everyone is included in the festivities.

T people will rarely tell you much about themselves but will share their thoughts on most non-personal things. It takes a lot of trust for them to reveal much about their personal lives but when they do, its like you are a keeper to the secret key of that knowledge.

Show a little love to T types..

Tags: entp, estp, intj, istj, myer briggs types, Personality, thinking

INFP and Career Conflicts

image attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hathu-/4053281099/

I want to talk about a book I am currently reading: Personality Type: An Owner’s Manual by Lenore Thomson.

In it the author says: “[...]INFPs may get their self-experience only when it conflicts with their external choices. Even those INFPs who have plugged themselves into a career that allows them to do something meaning and good may not feel sure they’re doing enough. They are nagged by an impression that something else is supposed to happen, something that will tell them what they’re really meant to do.”

“In order to actualize their certainties and ideals, INFPs generally find a place for themselves in the prevailing social system that allows them to focus on human potential. But given the fact that their values are more fundamental than institutional priorities, they’re constantly frustrated with the time and energy they spend on structural maintenance- society’s “edifice complex”.

The author goes on to say that INFPs remain confused how to act on these values, because the Fi part suggests a “life spent in pilgrimage, free from objective attachments”. But of course most INFPs don’t drop their families and life for such- so INFPs will use “their Intuition defensively”- “Either they become permanent seekers- good at many things but disinclined to stick with any for long- or they become passive, unable to articulate what they want.” “Left to their own devices, they (the latter) tend to procrastinate or do unnecessary tasks to avoid more important ones.”

He also mentions some INFP become so good at managing the time and resources of others but not their own.

He says that when INFPs stop using intuition(Ni or Ne) defensively, they will start asserting their Feeling goals (Fi) in a rebellious way, “They literally avoid situations that don’t accord with their primary self-experience, forfeiting relationships rather than experience inner conflict.”

However, when INFPs use their Ne, it invites them to “give up expectations, to live in harmony with anything that happens.[..] they see their values have nothing to do with their comfort or discomfort in a situation. They constitute a way of seeing life, a way of relating to any situation. When INFPS use their intuition to figure out how to make this relationship manifest, they see that they have many options to take positive action.”

“They realize that being responsible to their values isn’t about fighting what exists; its about building, recognizing that they can do things, want to do things, that might not even occur to other.”

The author also encourages INFPs to work on their strengths and creative pursuits that will give their work a concrete form.

—————

I think he is saying that INFPs will resist external influences at first because it seem to conflict with their ideals. For me, it was easy to demean social conventions and rules especially if they seem restrictive because that’s how I thought I could challenge it, pretending they were not so important and products of perfectionist egomaniacs.

Yet, it was certain not all people shared the same view. Easily I could transfer how I felt inside about certain things (Fi-type values) and insist to others this was how it was to behave. Though frankly I didn’t see it as such- I merely believed I had to get back what I gave when I tried to be understanding or kind. If someone quarreled with me over something they broke the bargain. My Fi values gave me stability in a uncertain world but killed 1-2 close friendships in my early years.

Growing my Te only bolstered that I could now win Fi-type arguments . And you do see this example in INFP forums where a INFP gets annoyed over a remark over Fi-values and starts bombarding the offender until they retreat, still heckling.

Having an active extroverted intuition (Ne) was a third stage that generated more possibilities. I remember this growth as a terribly exciting and fun time for me during my studies in film and in my first job.

Wish he would give more insights into the further development of a well-developed INFPs though. He does close with this, “In general, however, well-developed INFPs [...] strike others as unassuming, even deferential, because they treat people with unconditional love and compassion. In consequence, their actions, their choices, their way of life can awaken others to human values the community has not acknowledged.”

With this, he seems to suggest that well-developed INFPs in their later years develop some introverted intuition (Ni), extroverted feeling(Fe) which coupled with the values of Fi and Ne, give much insight and keep INFP true and kind to others and themselves.

Feel free to comment.

Tags: development, infp, INFP Career, work

Which do you use most: Instinct, Insight or Thinking

I know the title does not seem very clear on what is instinct vs insight vs thought.

Citation from dictionary.com
1)Instinct: a natural or innate impulse, inclination, or tendency.

http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/nf-private-forum/35471-infps-gut-feelings.html

2)Insight: penetrating mental vision or discernment; faculty of seeing into inner character or underlying truth.

http://personalitycafe.com/cognitive-functions/25454-i-need-understand-ni.html

3)Thinking: thought; judgment, reflection

http://personalitycafe.com/infp-forum-idealists/23343-could-anyone-describe-how-they-use-their-te.html

I would make a guess to say an Infp’s Instinct is Fi based. Insight would be more like Ni (INFPs can have Ni & Ti), and Thinking would be more Te (extroverted thinking).

In most work situations, I prefer the usage of insight and thinking.

The usage of insight is rather haphazard, in the sense I use it to scan for conclusions (like facial expressions) that my sensory memory cannot identify. I use it particularly with people who ramble on and give me a whole chunk of information without any logic to it- which my Te cannot process as it get stuck around the first sentence.

Thinking? That’s easy enough. I use it for planning work, getting details down and ahead of deadlines. I use it to also sift through detailed information, to search quickly and attack complex email requests. I wouldn’t get bothered about tones in work emails and just get to task.

I use instinct, rarely- there’s this guy at my office. We talked and went out- and it was friendly enough; but there was another time which made me reconsider. Once he passed my desk and talked to me. I had this shocking gut reaction that I didn’t want him around. Maybe he was closing into my personal space too early. I find my instinct getting more accurate with awareness. But usually I use it for useless things like whether to chase after a bus..

Tags: decision, infp, insight, intuition, thinking

Facial expression of Extrovert Intuitives (enfp,entp,entj,enfj)

A continuation of the Look of Intuitives.
part 1: http://survivinginfp.wordpress.com/2008/08/07/introvert-faces/

Extrovert Intuitives:

ENFP

(great video anyway)

(is she esfp or enfp?)
-moves a lot or hand gestures. does the look up to top part, cynical/amused mouth upturn to left, look goes from open eyes (surprise) to screwed up eyes (thinking). Amused eyes. Might rant on subjects.

ENTP

- tendency to lift 1 eyebrow, like to present lots of info, more head movement typical of ‘NT’. eyebrow not used to emphasis point but natural lift. Adding of snippets of humor, winking. Goes into ‘winging it’ mode often.(fast brain thinking)

ENTJ (not enough videos..)

ENFJ (not enough videos..)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvGOcxfA8zQ&feature=related

-body movement with head, lifted eyebrows, wry mouth pulls, controlled eye look

Very few videos for ENTJ and ENFJ. I suspect vlogging about MBTI is more of an introvert intutitive thing. Please let me know if you come across any ENTJ or ENFJ videos

Tags: enfj, enfp, entj, entp, introvert, intuitive, video

INFPs in other MBTI type industries

Just some observations on the types in the industries I’ve worked in/ brushed shoulders with.

Industries with many:
xSTJs: most industries have many xSTJs. Tend to be well-paying industries like Accountancy, Finance, Business, Operations but there are exceptions. Also Entrepreneurship. INFPs need to find a role that suits their personality which is not impossible. Important for INFP to grow their Ti/Te/Ni (Introverted Thinking/ Extraverted Thinking/ Introverted Inutition) here.

xSTPs: tends to be Sales, Marketing, Property, Finance or outdoor industries which independence and freedom is highly valued by employees. They can also be found in Food, Security and Legal lines. Possibly of freelance. Competitive and INFPs need to find a role which they can be independent without too much external pressure. Need to learn to use Ti/Ni.

xSFPs: SFPs enjoy working with people and expressing their creative sides. An INFP may find xSFP fields to be a good training ground for expressing Se/Ne (Extraverted Sensing & Extraverted Intuition). Industries such as F&B, Events, Customer Service, Retail, Teaching, Media, Music, Nursing, Fashion, Private Gym Trainers, Graphic Design.

xSFJ: SFJs can be found in many places. However, they love to help and thus can be found in Nursing, Teaching, Human Resources, Writing, Religion. INFPs need to adapt to using Fe. Ti can be an asset in understanding xSFJs

xNTJ: NTJs can be found in entrepreneurship, Business, Engineering, Science, Politics and also well-paying industries. Some Ni types will be found in Advertising, Music, Design or Architecture. INFPs need to understand Ni (Introverted Intuition) is a important development in order to work with NTJs. Expression of Te is also highly useful.

xNTP: NTPs can be found in Law, Media, Knowledge Banks like Science, Advertising, Marketing, Music, Fashion, IT and just about anywhere exciting or at the frontier. INFPs will find usage of Ti an asset, though they can never be just as insightful. It is important to use Ne to catch up.

xNFJ: can be found in Law, Teaching, Psychology, Human Resources, Social Work, Music, Politics, Writing, Event Management, Art. INFPs here need to be interested in understanding humans by developing their Ni and Fe (Introverted Intuition & Extraverted Feeling).

xNFP: can be found in Media, IT, Psychology, Social Work, Teaching, Journalism, Music and Entrepreneurship. Besides working in their field of interest, INFPs can look into option of working in field they are interested in -in a good paying industry. e.g. HR in Petrochemical, Media Specialist in Business- if they have security needs and bills to pay.

In the end, its about what industry/company you enjoy working in and your payoff. What would you think fellow INFPs.. is there any accuracy here..? Please correct me if I am off, I will make your edits into the post.

Tags: infp, INFP Career, jobs for infps, mbti, work

Intuition forms stranglets of consciousness between persons

Intuition has never been much of a vector much in my life. It is the practice of it that leads to discernment, rather than having it as an outgrowth of my personality. In life, intuitive people were non-existent in my immediate surroundings- i grew like a shoot heading for the sun, neither tempered by shadow nor shade- not knowing of intuition.

There were times in the past I thought intuition was like terrible gift: precursors to ringing telephones boding of death of someone close. Now I believe its a mixture of experience distilled from subconscious ideas or cultural values: a brain’s wiki-summary of someone’s 200 page thesis research. At least, that is my poor-man’s version of intuition.

Perhaps in other forms, intuition forms stranglets of consciousness between 2 persons, enabling them to connect strong moods, thoughts or events. Without any rational reasoning, I seem to realise it is not healthy to form psychological bonds even of intuition between those who have little desire to form a relationship(or healthy one) with you. Such intuition seems destructive and obsessive. Some people will call it emotional bonds.

To detach myself from such destructive bonds, I would stop thoughts from forming by imagining a hammer breaking the thought. If I was in a relaxed mood, I would try to talk myself through how my moods could have affected me and caused such disturbance. Often I would realise I just needed to do something to feel emotionally better.

Tags: infp, inuition

A note for a point in Internet history

image attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ennuiislife/4868206996/

There are times when I work to discern the meaning in someone else posts, and watch as my mind falters and struggles with the concepts presented.

Having back in 2003 rejected circuitous intuitive thought for a expressible structured thought form- structure has taken habit and I find it strange to even indulge in posts such as these. Still, in order to express intuitive thought, one must not control or reject the ideas available in the ether.

There are times, when the structured mind fails to comprehend, I feel keenly the vast chasm of knowledge that places one away from such thinkers. It feels equivalent to how a idiot would feel playing chess with gary kasparov.

The internet is a lifesaver. But we should not be deluded that we are collectively more intelligent or creative than previous generations. To harness the collective intelligence of the crowd-think is currently part of online experiment of many social-networking sites. But ways of doing so is still in its infancy, though crowd-think is a resource that could eventually be used in the future.

It is interesting how technology is unravelling restrictions so fast that most people, companies or status-co institutions have not understood their role in the future of our collective intelligence. Walls come down everyday as walls go up. People have not yet understood the race, the conflict is in the area where things seem most free, where resources seem most abundant, where rules are not policed. It’s the wild west of the era, the internet.

But meanwhile, while thinkers can shape the world, it is important to listen to all conflicting views, to understand when the conflict was being played out, we lived through it, we listened and we thought. Eventually someone will make sense out of the noise and attempt control or takeover of resources. And consciously or otherwise, we will grease the wheels that make the machinery move.

Tags: infp

Mellowing INFP

The journey of a INFP is never done. Throughout an INFP life, we travel along many journeys- with the aim of first expressing our own needs, and if that security is thwarted, fighting or projecting for the recognition of our needs with the people around us.

Come our teens-20s, we look inwards and start fighting with ourselves. If the conflict segues into conversation, we start to seek for knowledge and empathy to assuage all these feelings.

Once these negative feelings fade into the background, one finally hears oneself. Sometimes it may be a broken voice, other times it is a colorless image or a tired wayfarer.

Now that I have arrived at this marker in my journey, no longer do I need to spend all my energies on negativity. I am coasting on in neutral.

Now I feel very mellow- somewhat clean emotionally- with no great expectations, but no great feelings either.

It’s funny that I thought I would always be teary and passionate. Now it seems they were masks for the desperation I felt. Escapism through writing or films or tears…. eating well and having no negative person around has changed me so much.

The sun is shining, and I have to build myself the journey I always wanted.

Tags: infp

INFP Shadow Functions

The shadow functions of an infp are extraverted feeling (Fe), introverted intuition (Ni), extraverted sensing (Se) and introverted thinking (Ti).

I did a cognitive process test that seemed to identify my usage of processes as Fi, Ne, Si, Ti, Ni, Fe, Te, Se. Between Ni, Te, Ti, Fe there isn’t much serious difference in usage and preference. Surprisingly I use Ti (a shadow function) to a good extent. I do need some serious work on expressing myself a little more though- My Te, Fe, Se are so quiet.

Have you ever come across a type of your shadow processes..? For an INFP, that would be an xSTP. I have found xSTPs to be deeply perplexing people- partially I have not understood any of their motivations.

While an INFP can grow into their tertiary (Si) and inferior (Te) functions from their 20s; and even understand and have empathy towards an ESTJ (Te, Si, Ne, Fi) who shares the same functions as us (albeit in a reversed way) ; it is a harder task to understand the ESTP (Se, Ti, Fe, Ni).

Empathy doesn’t even come into the picture. When I read the STP forum, I just feel so deeply confused. Mentally, I can’t tell how they arrive at their conclusions, though their thoughts can be quite interesting and wacky. And they are very fast at picking up things, perhaps due to (Ti) and (Se) working in tandem- body language and interior logic – to gauge the situation. This is rather admirable.

However, the combination of Se-Fe usually sets my teeth on edge. Sometimes it is like every thought: bad, evil or funny needs to be broadcast loudly. I think ESTPs make great salesmen or mavericks- just that being an introvert, I don’t particularly like salesmen.

Seems I still have a long way to go in understanding or even liking the shadow functions..

Tags: infp, Myer-Briggs, shadow function

Just beginning to understand…

I am just beginning to understand this messages in this video.. (starts around 5 mins)

“..how shame is underpinned by excruciating vulnerability, the idea that in order for a connection to happen, one should be seen (exposed)”..

the people who had a strong sense of love and belonging:
1) They believed that they were worthy of love and belonging.
2) They had a sense of courage.
3) They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first.
4) They fully embraced vulnerability so they could have a connection.

Tags: compassion, infp, love, Myer-Briggs, vulnerability

Life as an INFP- a review of 2010

image attribution: Tscherno

I’ve been away.. as i have just climbed out of a deep pit of illness and misery to a period where things are finally looking up for me. I am much better now, thank you.

To be in a place where my health was draining me of any happiness and sanity was that place I was so afraid of going back to. It seems for the past few years during the Sept-Dec period, I would be afflicted by general tiredness and colds almost every single day. It was on the basis of this I made a goal to finish a few 10k runs by end 2010. I finished a 10K in June, and was looking forward to the ones in Oct and Nov when my health just collapsed over 2 weeks in Sept.

During this period of time, as my sister was getting married in Sept, I neglected my own health as I busied myself with preparing to photograph her wedding. I did not exercise for only 1 month when I started to feel really bad in Oct. My thyroid swelled for weeks on a low grade fever, my laptop died out of warranty, I smashed my camera filter at the wedding, I was facing unknowns at work & the friend I cared intensely about let me down again.

In Nov, my dad’s health also turned worse. It was a very difficult time for me & my family personally.

One night, as I was sitting in bed, miserable and fearful as heck, I decided to pray. Pretty selfishly, but also asking that God would bring my father back to faith. Because, frankly, I was drained having to listen to his problems over all these years, trying to help him- and also, I think he needed God’s support.

God worked.

I don’t know how INFPs out there think about religion and faith, but I believed in God all my life. He was the only one whose love was a constant for me.

My dad, without any prompting from me; decided one day to just start praying and singing christian songs. That graduated to a nightly prayer with the family. During this period I managed to also find a diet (SCD for any who need help) which helped my dad manage his Crohn’s.

Many other things took place…which changed ideas i have about life. I feel I am on a journey of learning to put myself first, and having good balance in my life. There is no happy ending yet, but there is a long journey to begin on that path.

Tags: infp

Discovering & exploring my bad emotions

Part of being who I am, I have a tendency to what an average person would call emotional. Knowing that I am an INFP for the past 3 years has helped me to accept that this will remain part of my internal makeup. I have started to have strong feelings for a friend, and the attendant results is that I have been feeling conflicted and upset. Perhaps in the past I would have accepted that as that, but recently I have been questioning: Why does a happy emotion (pining for someone) make me feel upset?

People always seem very empathetic in traditional film. Someone is upset, the significant other (SO) then reaches out to comfort them. The person accepts the comfort and they share their emotions. In a happy situation, for instance a proposal: the guy proposes, the woman jumps up in joy and hugs the man. They then proceed to celebrate in a very boisterous fashion.

Unfortunately, this hasn’t been always the case with me. In a situation where I am upset, it is almost as likely the tears are derived from conflicting feelings, and a very strong sense of shame. This shame could be related to disappointing a friend, or feeling conflicted. Exploring my own feelings, sometimes its not even likely I am crying from sadness. This strong sense of shame pushes me to try to avoid the subject or person causing the conflicting emotional pain. I might walk away and cry in a corner, or pretend I was not crying. Should the friend try to comfort me, I might even push them away.

In another situation like a happy surprise birthday party, I have been known to burst in tears. (this was admittedly many years back). Friends would probably have thought I was touched, but it was more likely the conflicting emotions of fear and shame caused me to burst into tears. Fear that something bad was about to happen, relief that it was not a bad thing and shame that I misunderstood my friends.

Discovering this about myself has made me a little sad.

Thinking back further, I realized my childhood was always filled with emotional uncertainty. I had a very close intellectual relationship with my father; but my father was a stormy person. One moment he would speak to me like an equal, and the next moment something I did- like delay answering to chores- I would be subjected to a torrent of loud verbal abuse. Sometimes these lasted for a few hours.. and the best for me was to bow my head and wait until the storm passed. I would cry my eyes out and swear silently I would leave the house someday. (don’t worry, its not like this anymore..

Perhaps I have come to associate tears not with sadness/guilt but more of shame? A friend watching another cry would naturally assume tears are associated with guilt. Their comfort says: " I am here sharing this with you, you don’t have to feel guilty". But if you felt ashamed, like you were actually quite vile, terrible to be with- wouldn’t you try to get away from your friends? An ashamed person would feel they are contagious.

Let’s say for a situation where my father had been always been verbally abusive ALL THE TIME. In this perspective, I would have felt unnecessarily persecuted and perhaps instead of being avoidant, I might have been abusive back. Yet this would have also stemmed from an emotion of shame, at feeling one is not worthy. Should a friend comfort me in this case, he might have been subjected to my verbal abuse..!!

In a sense, because I have emotionally linked up TEARS to SHAME, and UNCERTAINTY to ABUSE, I would try to avoid upsetting or surprising situations, even if positive. Where I am now, I am certainly not yet in a good place emotionally. I would like to be more vulnerable in a close relationship without feeling like I was going to self-destruct.

I think knowing that about myself is the first step.

To grow as a emotionally balanced person, I would first need to disassociate sadness with shame. I would need to learn how to identify confusing emotions or stress, understand where they come from, and whether I should process them or not give them any thought. I might have to learn not to cry in shame. I would only give myself permission to cry in sadness. (If you are an INFP, you would understand emotions can be overwhelming.)

Introducing more uncertainty in my life, and looking at them positively, would also help me to understand more positive and varied emotions. If it scares me, then it is a good reason to do it.

If you an INFP reading this, I hope you can share something that you have learnt about your emotions too.

Tags: emotions, fear, guilt, sadness, shame, uncertainty

Feeling like I’ve grown older.

A lecturer told our class once, “I stopped writing poetry when I met my wife.”

Think about it in your INFP way. What does it say.

Sometimes for me, the happier and busier I get, the less angst I have, and therefore less fodder for artistic work.

I was particularly unhappy around the age of 18-20 & 23-26. I might have had a quarter-life crisis in the latter period. I feel I have evolved in some way, perhaps its the change of chemistry, or perhaps I have become more ‘zen, or I have become more practised. Whatever it is, it has made me more accepting of people, of jobs, of imperfection (in values) everywhere. But I also seemed to care less these days about music, films, fiction books and fashion. I seem to read more sociological books and be primarily interested in the technicalities of photography these days. Might have to do with my enneagram 5w4- as a knowledge seeking INFP.

Or perhaps I am facing up to the reality of being a working person with a 40 hour work week with 2 full time hobbies, photography and social media. I started this blog in May 2008. I might have been more measured with words before, I might have stopped to write something lyrical more in the past. I may have appreciated poetry more. I feel less and less inclined to write.. but I will keep doing so, because the shared knowledge of INFPs & other ‘INs’ has given me much insight into myself. So I would like to keep this alive for others as well… as a sort of ‘gift’ back to the internet.

I still feel some wistfulness towards places I have not seen, primarily the Scandinavian countries. Something like kicking back with a huge pot of tea with a photography project on one side, flowers outside my window on a rainy spring morning. All alone with the peaceful world. That would be perfect. Maybe a trip like that next year..

Tags: infp, thoughts

I wished I had more magic ‘Ni’

I should be more careful with my use of ‘Fi’ values.. INFPs use of introverted feeling ‘Fi’ in making value and judgement calls can be sometimes particularly petty and irritating.

I was talking to a INTJ friend, and something he said about his job particularly set me off. Though I quickly excused myself when I realised I had started to express my value system in regards to what seemed like a strange, weird negativity from the INTJ towards his job.

He mentioned that he had a job, and was going to slave away for the job. He started to put this job, which he had not started on yet, as a job which he was going to ‘Slave, slave, slave’- as something terrible which he had to go through in order to reach his goals. On the other hand, he was happy at having gotten a chance to work in the creative line. It was the sense of, “I deserve so much better- even though frankly they gave me a great chance” that annoyed some ‘Fi’ value I had.

I found myself trying to coax him to think positively of the possibilities cause I thought he was being negative and needed cheering up. However, it really didnt seem to work since INTJs don’t really see extroverted intuition ‘Ne’ as well as INFPs.

After a while I realised I was getting weirded out and he said I was being defensive when I expressed some ‘Fi’ values, which I wasn’t really. But maybe they annoyed him, so he was trying to put me on the defense. So I had to quickly change the topic.

Come to think of it, maybe he didn’t need to see any positive opinions.

So my question is, did I approach the INTJ the wrong way? I felt afterwards, had I used introverted intuition like an INFJ would have, I could have guessed at why he was acting this strangely. Could it because he felt a need to talk bad about the things he cared for? Could it have been a defensive posturing? Or was the INTJ’s Ni- their sureness at what the world is and should be (acknowledging their strengths) conflicting with the reality of their situation?

INFJs would have been able to guess right away.

Tags: infp, intj, myer briggs types, Personality

How to deal with an INFP emoting: strongly wording something in an emotional tone

from:http://www.flickr.com/photos/deboni/ / CC BY-NC 2.0

Some of you INFP bloggers out there may agree here: I seem to want to write when I’m particularly in an emotional state. Writing clears my mind in a way talking about it just cannot do.

My post is about friendships. My behavior in close friendships (not the acquaintance level) tends to supportive, helping with a view to encourage mutual activity in both a selfish & yet inclusive way. For instance, should a friend say they need someone to help out in their film: despite not having much free time or even fully liking the idea of the film- I will still be willing to commit to helping out. This is for selfish reasons: I hope to have such help extended to me should there be a similar instance. But this is also for other reasons: I hope to make them feel happy that they have someone supportive of their work.

These are values I respect in close friendships: mutual respect- being on time, willingness to hear me out, respectful of my emoting my feelings. The last is probably the hardest to ask of most friends, as most people are afraid of the INFP’s strong Fi, especially negative Fi where Te rears its head. In my life, only my INTP friend has been most accepting when I emote, maybe in part to INTP’s shadow Fe where they would rather leave emotional matters uncommented on- which strangely enough, makes me feel rather accepted. Most of the time though, in response to horrible Fi, people would overly concern themselves or show irritation and comment on it. Sometimes how I wish I could help people understand ‘how to deal with me’. So here goes.

‘How to deal with an INFP emoting: strongly wording something in an emotional tone’

Absorb their response. Is it on principle, logic or an emotional reaction?

a. On principle: infps are emotionally retarded and can hold some very strong values on things that others could care less about. It could be about: fairness, goodness, morality or some ideal.
b. Logic: infps’ attempt at logical argument can be colored by emotion. Listen closely if they are making sense.
c. Emotional reaction: this is where infp fail. They can make horrible arguments here if they feel undermined, mistrusted, disliked or annoyed.

Consider the appropriate response.

a. On principle: If your principles agree with them, good for you. If not, consider how u can angle ur argument to make it seem like you are on the same side & essentially arguing for the same issue. However, if you’re firmly on the other side, attempt to acknowledge their values in the process of stating your own values.
b. Logic: This is where its perfectly fine to argue with an infp clearly stating your logical analysis. Some infps understand ‘Te’ type arguments & may enjoy debate. Ignore the emoting.
c. Emotional reaction: Usually the case with personal matters. You can’t go very far without feeling like you’re navigating a mined area. Hear them out. Listen carefully not to words they are saying but what are they actually saying. Try to forgive them. Be kind in your replies. Pace your words. Give them a space to be angry. It’s going to be hard but if you can see where the insecurity is coming from and assure them that you care, it might stop the deluge. Don’t run off. Too many people run off at the first sign of weakness. Understand its hardly about you.

Of course, you may decide after reading this INFPs are too difficult to have as a friend. Too much work. I wouldn’t blame you. Many other types are less emotional work than an INFP friend. If you are such an insightful, caring person who is able to do all this, you must have a great deal of respect and friendship in your life..

Tags: friendship, infp, intp, myer brigg

The man with the rainbow glasses

It’s awful after all these years I can’t prevent a breakdown of sorts. All-in-all, it always comes back the awful sense of loneliness I feel. I think this is somewhat needy of me to want someone in my life who would understand, accept me & be around. Not very different from most humans’ needs definitely, but the depth I think about it is sometimes frightening even to me.

I can psycho-analyse myself to death but it wouldn’t cure me.

Reading many infp forums makes me feel this probably might resonate with many infps out there.

I suffer from mild depression. It comes & goes, is probably hormonal, diet or lifestyle related. I don’t eat terribly, I exercise only moderately.. this doesn’t seem to keep the breakdowns from occurring around once a month. Sometimes it feels like I’m fighting a battle to death with a frightful monster that keeps coming back no matter how I have injured it.

It affects me to the extend I don’t want to make plans to go out of the house for the weekend or makes me into a sobbing mental wreck when I lie down in bed. Recently it has only happened once a month. But I do remember times when I was moody almost every single day & could hardly bear having people coming into my room, where I huddled in isolation. Maybe one day it would push me too far that I might just stop trying. But for now, I don’t want an extended depression breakdown. It’s just too hard to pull yourself out of the hole without any help.

I can say things have improved as a result of exercise at least once every 2 weeks. Of course I could do better, the standard is 3 times a week. I could do better… but is life really going to get better? (Faulty logic here of course.)

I’m like the man in the story of the man with the rainbow glasses. I remember it too vaguely, so this is an invented, pieced together story.

Long spiel:
There was once a farmer, who was having a difficult time farming. His crops withered in the sun when the sun was too hot, & drowned when it rained too much. He was so angry that he threw his tools down and shouted to the heavens for cursing him. A small voice replied him, & when he looked around, he saw nobody. But there was a pair of glasses, colored like a rainbow, by his feet. Curious, he put it on. Strangely, right before his eyes, withered crops began to stand up & grow full. His fruit trees began to sprout fruit. Honey bees buzzed around his hives & his animals all looked sleek & content. Months passed while the farmer wore those glasses & enjoyed this new reality. One day, he said flippantly, “How nice if this would last forever”. Suddenly, a small voice answered him. Looking down, he saw a strange little man, who asked him for the glasses. Before he could reply, the little man took the glasses off his nose. Right in front of him, he saw his withered crops, the stunted fruit trees and the sun bleached bones of his animals… The farmer looked at the little man & said, “I beg you, please give me the glasses…”

BIG SIGH.

But please, if you are an infp who has battled depression successfully, I would like to hear from you.

Tags: breakdown, depression, infp

Simple ways to keep your brain happy

*disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional nor do I have any clinical training. So take whatever you like from it.

There are sometimes in a INFP life we need a little pick-me-up. I’m talking about times when you have been staying up all night on a project, or just starting to get cranky at the world at large. By and large, there are a few things you can do before all-hell-breaks-loose and you are in a downward spiral. It’s important not to neglect your physical and mental states. These are the things I have found to have helped:

A good night (week) sleep
It’s amazing how sleep actually regulates much of our bodily systems. Sometimes, not getting enough sleep can lead to a lowered immune system, making you susceptible to colds and flus. I noticed feeling cold when I do not get my 8 hours.

Exercise
For people who hate spending hours in the gym, I recommend HIIT (high intensity interval training). Basically its training your body to react in spurts of energy. It can really build stamina. Doing weights and building muscles can also help to regulate your body metabolism and temperature. On days I exercised, my mood visibly improved by 2 points on point system of 1-10 I use to measure my mood.

Supplements
I take Calcium/magnesium/zinc supplements for muscle cramps, vitamin B+C as a mood reliever, vitamin E and fish oils for skin and some iron. I wouldn’t recommend supplements for everyone, as some people seem to do well without them- so this is only on a need-to basis only.

Meals
I avoid coffee, diary and wheat during times I feel less perky. Maybe because these foods generally react uncomfortably with me.

Aromatherapy
Using scented bath gels or burning oils can improve the mood by a small notch.

Me-time
I recommend this because neglecting your psychological and emotional needs could be part of why you are feeling down. This could involve talking to yourself aloud, self-hypnosis, writing, expressing yourself. It could also involve doing meditation.

Taking care of your body
Getting a new hairstyle, trimming nails, using a body cream or getting a nice massage. Massages are not my cup of tea, but I recommend it since so many people enjoy it.

Having a good listener
Talk to someone non-judgmental. Or perhaps someone with good advice. It may not solve anything, but the person could help you suggest a plan of action or another way of looking at the issue.

Holiday
If doing the above did much work- a trip could relieve you temporarily from the anxieties.

However, if you find yourself slipping into serious depression or anxiety please seek clinical advice.

Tags: health, infp

Life as an INFP- a review of 2009

I’ve been away for so long from this blog that I’ve been a little afraid to come back to see what comments I have missed and as to whether I had anything to add. Each time, a little bit of panic will rise and I would question if I had any ‘INFP’ related stuff to even talk of, excepting those from my POV.

When I first started this blog in 2008, it was a direct expression of my frustration with my life as well as a place to selfishly express my own thoughts and needs. Throughout my depressive periods, I found great solace in the words of fellow INFPs in forums as they sought to make sense of the world as I did. In this little space here, I found camaraderie in the comments left by visitors all over the world.

To all my dear visitors, thank you for reading. You’ve given me much delight.

2009 was a year of subtle changes for me.

I quit a job that was giving me grief and learned some personal life lessons:
1) No job is ever as good as it sounds
2) Always trust my gut instincts above my rationalisations
3) A good environment for me means: friendly people, flat hierarchy, market rate pay

I made a very good friend and learned:
1) To let go of my expectations of people
2) that I have to learn to be kind, above all
3) It’s ok to draw up boundaries, for things like being on time
4) people can teach you more about yourself than you can on your own
5) how another person metaphorically saw me- it wasn’t pretty I tell you.

I made a few good friends at work, and learned:
1) People are important to your network and career prospects
2) If you listen, you hear the real need behind a person’s complaints

I bought myself a DSLR, started a group collective and saw:
1) People are willing to always help when they sense your passion
2) You have to be careful about the right mix of people in a group, don’t push people together
3) It’s important to always talk about goalposts or changes in a group

I took up some temp work and realised:
1) It’s alright to be yourself at interviews- some people will take to you, some will not
2) I can be a average worker and get by, there’s no need to impress
3) I can get by with little money if I’m happy at my workplace and get along with my colleagues

I went for some events I didn’t really want to, I helped out in some instances when I didn’t really want to- and I received more my fair share of compensation: met someone new, gained a gift or an insight. These were instances where the situations were not set up by me. I just took a chance.

Looking back at my top 5 statements:
1)Feel good in body & health
2)Have a best friend/love
3)I accept and embrace challenges and change
4)I feel inspired and passionate about my work
5)Travelling with the person I love dearly

It’s quite a bit of a shock… that I seemed to have absorbed the ideas and I’m already on the journey on some of them. Somewhere not very far from the starting line, but nonetheless I started out..

Tags: infp, INFP Career

A little interesting Venn diagram for INFPs with their own business

.

While this wasn’t specifically targeted at INFPs, I found this diagram rather fascinating- in a pseudo-scientific way- also the simplicity rather appeals to me. Got a good mind to print this up and put it on the wall in front of me, just as the other commenters have suggested on the blog.

Currently, I may be a little too comfy at the ‘What We can do Well’ and ‘What We can be paid to Do’. That’s the one way back alley of mind-numbing admin jobs or servile ‘pay the bills, connect the dots’ types of jobs. We think we have to do them, but what’s really happening is that we start getting tunnel vision far too much in the job, and we eventually burn ourselves out consuming energy on something we hate to do and which we do not have an endless supply of belief or passion for… Shocking that the simple answer is to turn these jobs down.

I’m trying to focus my energies on the other parts- ‘What we can be paid to do’ and ‘What We want to do’- finding a good paying job which I have some decent interest in, and building my photography skills on the side- aka ‘What We want to do’ and ‘What We can do well’.

Your thoughts, fellow INFPs? (if you find this useful, you might want to click on the graphic to go to the link)

Tags: infp, INFP Career, jobs for infps

5 States of Consciousness as a Human Being

http://www.lifepositive.com/Mind/philosophy/life/meaningless-life.asp

Came across this article- it is interesting what the writer says about the 5 states of consciousness. I think in life you are usually surrounded by many people in state 1 or 2. I understand myself to be in state 2 growth from what I can understand from the text. How about you, fellow INFPs? It would be great if you have different responses to this. I would like to understand what it means to understand life in state 3,4,5…

Quoted from the website:

State 1: You are responsible is the first level of consciousness, where the individual holds others responsible for everything in life. Accusingly, his fingers are always pointing outwards, fixing blame, complaining. He’s a perpetual victim and believes in concepts like ‘survival of the fittest’, ‘there isn’t enough for all of us’, ‘life is a struggle’, and ‘everything is fair in love and war’.

State 2: The second level of consciousness is: We are responsible. The individual understands and acknowledges that he has also been contributing to events around him. He accepts that the finger pointing outwards accusing others also means that three fingers were pointing towards him. Accepting his role in the state of affairs, he begins forgiving people for what they are and what they have done. He becomes more accommodative, lenient and compassionate. The journey from outside to inside has begun.

State 3: As the realization deepens, the third level of consciousness arises: I am responsible. He realizes that the outside world is an ‘occurring’ one. Three people have three different reactions ranging from ‘in favor’, ‘against’ to ‘indifferent’ or a combination of these three. The thought arises that our life is not about unfolding events, but about our relationship with events that shapes subsequent events. The same event can be perceived as an opportunity or a threat depending on our viewpoint. And this viewpoint depends on our conditioning.

State 4: In the fourth level of consciousness, in accomplishment there is no aggression to stamp one’s personal authority on an event, and in failure there is no escapism through blame or vanity. Here, the individual is not responsible—there’s just no one left to be responsible. All events become a happening through and around an individual. The individual becomes a ‘witness’ of the events in the outer world and the occurrence of thoughts, emotions and sensations in the inner world, witnessing the actions automatically happening through the mind-body organism.

State 4/5: In the fourth and fifth levels of consciousness, life has no purpose, no goals, no ambitions, no agenda, nothing to accomplish, nowhere to reach, nothing to become. Life is lived in the now, in the moment, spontaneously, in full acceptance.
Life becomes empty and meaningless. In this emptiness one experiences fulfillment, in the meaninglessness one experiences wholeness. This article is a conceptual presentation. Do not accept it, do not reject it. Investigate and enquire how valid it is. And question: does it have the ring of truth?

A Passion Test

I took a passion test a few months back. It’s a list of sorts, where you write down everything to: “15 things I would love to do/be/have in life”. Not too hard right? The trick is to compare them against each other- you have to be truthful to yourself- and you leave out the choice you can do without.

For example:
1) I would like to travel around the world
2) I want to be a science professor
3) I have great friends surrounding me

You would compare statement 1: ” I would like to travel around the world” with statement 2: ” I want to be a science professor” and decide which one you cannot live without. In this case, maybe you rather travel than be a professor. So you cancel out statement 2.

1) I would like to travel around the world
2) I want to be a science professor

Then you compare statement 1 with statement 3: “I have great friends surrounding me”. Say you rather have great friends who love and support you. Then you cancel statement 1.

1) I would like to travel around the world
2) I want to be a science professor
3) I have great friends surrounding me

You go on and compare the rest of the 15 statements. At the end, you pick the top 5 statements (its like surviving audition rounds). These are really your purpose statements; these things matter to you in life more than the rest.

My top 5 statements came out like this:
1)Feel good in body & health
2)Have a best friend/love
3)I accept and embrace challenges and change
4)I feel inspired and passionate about my work
5)Travelling with the person I love dearly

The other 5:
6)Writing the best poetry from my heart and mind
7)I can inspire myself and people around me
8)Work at the forefront of knowledge
9)Work with passionate talented people
10)Travel the world
11)Have a life of serenity and beauty

It has helped me to narrow down my focus in life and what needs to be achieved now. The idea is know what kind of future you would like to create for yourself. I realised that what sort of work I do isn’t so important as to whether I am inspired and passionate about it… rather idealistic, will have to see how it all fits in. The statements can change, so you are advised to do it maybe every 6 months. Sometimes when goals are fulfilled, you will have other new goals. These are rather infp statements..

Tags: infp, INFP Career, passion

First born gets the anxiety and heart attacks

I am a first born. Sometimes they descriptions of INFP do not resonate with me because admittedly, I am not as good nor kind as the descriptions.

Read some of the descriptions of first born.. highlighted the ones that I thought were me:

First born children are welcomed into a tightly primped environment riddled with elevated standards and high expectations. New parents are attentive, proud and well-read. They take a roll of pictures a day, buy only the finest diapers and don’t let a single achievement go unnoticed. All of this can have a very positive effect on a first born child. These children often develop a diverse vocabulary at an early age, are independent, strong-willed and able to adapt easily to many situations. First born children are known to be highly organized and eager to please (probably a result of the constant attention they received as youngsters). They are often excellent leaders, as well, pursuing careers in education, entertainment, politics and entrepreneurship.

Children can also be negatively affected by being first born. Amateur parents’ inevitable anxiety can often seep into a first born, resulting in a lifetime of worry and self-consciousness. Secondly, first born children often take on the role of “Peace Maker”—attempting to resolve familial problems. They mediate and abstain from initiating more conflict as to avoid disappointing their parents. This can lead to perpetual passive-aggressiveness. First born children also tend to be over-achievers and can be greatly discouraged by perceived failures relating to school, career or personal relationships.

Growing up, my mother and grandmother treated me pretty fairly. However, family never told me I was a good kid (had to hear it from teachers and relatives) and my dad is always telling me I am the most awful person on earth. Since young, I’ve always been anxious to please, to do right, to score good grades. In my case, however, my parents barely acknowledged. Seems ridiculous that I continued in this vein of ‘trying so hard to please by grades’ way up until my teens. But I had wonderful encouraging teachers who acknowledged my effort.

To this day, I feel any gain I get: respect, money, love, friendship: is largely conditional on my own efforts. While it does make me try harder than most people, I find it hard to sometimes acknowledge that there are factors outside my control, and I cannot force decisions.

I also feel that rare is the relationship where the love and respect is unconditional. I feel that people are unpredictable and selfish with their love. My world view is ‘co-dependent, conditional’ but other people may be ‘autonomous, generous’, which is hard for me to understand.

For me to be in a love relationship- I must feel the other person is mutually responsive (not possible, and stems from selfish ‘conditions’ set from me), or has unconditional love OR// respect for me. I don’t like being in love because it makes me all neurotic, out-of-control. Religion has helped me to see a bit that if God loves me pretty much, other people shouldn’t matter…

Tags: first born, infp

I has a money. What I do wif it

Just being silly. No. This post is a rather non-infp topic really. Those here who trawl the infp forums know that the frequent infp topics are usually relations with other types or career issues or the purpose of life. I mean, see for yourself here: INFP General Discussion

My thoughts in the past few months have been leading me towards attaining financial knowledge for myself. It’s not something that is taught in school; and one would be lucky if they had parents who would be able to explain financial issues like debt, mortgage, education, rent, investing and savings to them. The world of finance and business was like a black hole in my knowledge of the world. Finding myself pretty deficient in this area, I have been reading up. Frankly, it has been tough wading through the staggering amount of info out there on how to make your money work for you.

Fortunately, my matter is simplified cause I have so little cash on hand. No way I could invest in property or high risk ventures: so all that remains is:

1) savings deposits (depending on the interest rate you can get)
2) my own small business
3) education in the form of a degree
4) vocational education that can contribute to future side income: e.g. consulting, educating, sewing, baking, hair-cutting
5) investment in funds (small amounts)
6) foreign exchange (small amounts)
7) online income?

I have just started a financial course on investing… hopeful some good results soon.

My goal would be to be one day be financial independent and knowledgeable, and not to worry as I am currently, on day-to-day expenses, of which 80% of my current income is going to. The more immediate reason is that my parents have a problem with me living with them (even as I pay the rent)- or to put it more succinctly, my dad can’t stand me and wants me out in 2 weeks.

I’m quite resigned to the above fact: since he has repeatedly said it over the course of my entire life. (that he can’t stand me) I know I have been probably been difficult / vice versa and its an issue of personality clashes. (dad is an ESTJ who has health problems.) As far back as I remember, I have always been the one targeted, the one who he can always emotionally bully into a reaction. I get along with him some days, but I never trust him for this reason. One moment he’s my 57 year old dad, the next moment he’s a stupid 5 year old schoolyard bully who can’t control his feelings.

People who have dads whose emotions are largely stable will not understand unless I record a video of his 3-5 hour monologue tirades.

I’m not giving him the pleasure of me leaving in 2 weeks. I don’t see any logical reason to. I’m giving myself a 1 year timeline to save/invest enough cash to further my education, or should I change my mind, to be able to back up myself for at least 1 year. Living on my own before was mentally and emotionally liberating and one of the best things I did for myself. But it was hard to do it for too long as I did not have a long term financial plan for it.

This time, should I leave, I’m determined to go off and not come back home to stay again. It’s a case of they are my family, but we just can’t stand each other at close quarters. Things are better when parents understand they cannot control you.

Tags: finance

Perfect song for an INFP

It’s just awful to be an INFP sometimes. All that Fi and no outlet. That’s why my blog is ‘surviving INFP’ not ‘celebrating INFP’. SIGH. Let’s sing Karaoke.

How do you cool your lips
After a summer’s kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you’d know anywhere

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul (sigh)
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart (Big Sigh)
It’s a crime to fall in love again (ARGGGGGHHHHHH!!! crashes head into wall)

Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive (EXACTLY!)
Insensitive (that might be a skill worth learning)
Insensitive

Oh, you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you (stupid)
I’m out of hope, I’m out of touch (very)
I fell too fast, I feel too much (stupid x 2)
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive
I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive
Insensitive
Insensitive

Tags: infp, karaoke, love, myer briggs types

Childhood friends

Childhood friends. They are people who saw you from the pov of a 7 year old. They remembered you differently. You remembered them differently. You lost touch, then 20 years later you call each other up, after seeing each other faces in facebook and having gotten curious about their lives.

I feel that, the past was a great common point. But reality exists now, for me to understand this strange creature, sitting across from me, all grown up, similar yet disimilar. It’s time to learn about those missing years, not to reminiscence how the person before was so thin/nice/happy/sweet. That childhood friend was great for that period of time that I knew her. However, if I am unable to see the adult that has grown over the same soil, i am in danger of projecting my own needs for comfort (sameness) which is akin to some disrespect.

I wonder, how did you ease the transitional period of getting back with childhood friends? Did most of these friendships turn out to be worth it from your pov?

Tags: childhood, friends, friendship

Happily planning for a new career

First post of the year! Sorry, couldn’t bring myself to post about my deary life as an cubicle slave..

In a way, was really trying to get my house in order, cause when you get to my age, you realise you can’t just coast on goodwill and temporary jobs. You need to find out where you intend to drive your life towards. My current job is possibly the worst job (to one) I have ever done. I was not reading intuitively(Ne) into the situation at the interview and settled for what my logic(Te) and poor emotional judgement(Si-Fi?) told me was the right choice.

If it wasn’t for a new colleague at my workplace, I would have pretty much meandered directionlessly for a few more months. He helped me see that the situation for me was highly uncomfortable and that I had lost my direction.

It took me about another month to resolve issues that were always questions in my head. Issues of how creatives here (in my area) are underpaid, overworked- and the fear that would kill any joy I have for the job. I kept searching for an answer to that. I went to a seminar in a school where they were offering a bachelor in film; and the lecturer said something randomly to the effect: “If you want to earn lots of money, then this line isn’t suitable for you, people are here because of their passion. If you believe in your passion, you can do anything.”

It seemed he was intuitively reading the anxieties of the audience. How did he know what I was thinking..!?

Still, I didn’t quite believe in the hype of following your passion. I think somewhat cynically sometimes its a way to say to creatives, “Since you enjoy your work so much, there’s no need for me to pay you that much.” Scary thought.

Reviewing my life, I tried to find out why I was not so keen to be in the film industry. Do I not like film enough? No, it seemed I liked lighting and directing enough. But I disliked producing and editing- because of their sheer tediousness for the former and mind-numbing crushing isolation for the latter. Even though being female ensured that I would mostly likely get into these 2 jobs; I didn’t want to do something I disliked.

While searching in the pile of laundry that was my pseudopassions (painting, writing, sewing, baking), I stumbled on an old old passion of mine. Something that has consistently made me happy doing it. Something I loved talking about. I remember the first time I held a SLR (Nikon FM10) in school and it made me giddy with joy. I remember always being curious about photographers’ and cameramens’ work. I remember always looking at light once I learnt about film lighting in school. I also remember the mixed feelings when I destroyed 3 rolls of black and white film while developing film (and almost swore photography was not for me). I also remember the awful feeling of taking some really gorgeous photos in club (14years) and realising I had not loaded the film properly at the end of the trip. That really broke my heart. I knew they were great. I remember shooting ‘projects’ with a compact camera at age 12. I remember telling my ex-boss I wanted to learn photography lighting from him. I remember going abroad with my company and being pleasantly surprised to see 3 female camera assistants. (that changed my view about women in photography jobs). Most of all, I am always hit by green-eyed envy when photographers talk about their photography jobs and show me their professional photos (like: I could/wanna do that too!).

I know I want to be a photographer now. I was afraid of being a female in this line for the longest time. I still think some people will not give you much chances if you are female (because they are afraid of asking you to lift stuff and whatnot) . But I think I can convince them through sheer hardworkingness and some smarts, once they can be convinced to hire me just once. That would take learning, education, training, mentorship, freelancing work, gym training(haha) to eventually get somewhere. I want to practise and practise. I want to be my own boss. I’m putting down my plans now..learning driving, looking for short courses. I don’t even have a DSLR. I’m getting a temp loan from my family. I’m looking for mentors.

But I’m really happy now I have a direction and passion I want to follow …:) Yay for me..!

Any tips for me, since i’m not even an amateur(not even a dslr), would be much appreciated.

Tags: infp, INFP Career, intuition, jobs for INFP, photography